The Many Adventures of Walmart

You know I really enjoy shopping at Walmart. I feel like I can shop there without judgement. You know when you unexpectedly start your period in the middle of the night., you don't want to get dressed, you want to put shoes on with your mismatched pajamas, maybe a hoodie, and go get your fuckin feminine hygiene.

I've had me a many of adventures at Walmart. For instance, I had to go shopping for some good eat treats. My oldest son asks, "Hey, mama, can we get yogurt so I can take it to school?" So I obviously oblige the little guys request, walk over to the yogurt section and throw some "gogurts" in the cart. What happened next was 100% unexpected. Thankfully I am quick on my feet. He insists that the gogurts that I had put in the cart aren't the right kind..... and then the situation escalated rapidly. He began screaming, not just any screaming. The kind of scream where your face begins turning red and you are like one pitch away from screaming so hard that you shit your pants.... Yeah that's where he was at. He begins telling me that he is NOT going to eat the yogurt in the cart. And then.....THROWS HIMSELF ON THE FLOOR Now there were shoppers nearby, at first I was going to grab my youngest son and my purse and make a mad dash at the nearest exit and leave that little fucker surrounded by yogurt. I paused, took a deep breath, and amongst the rant found the humor in it. So I gave him "the look" and he shut the fuck up instantaneously. I said in a calm, creepy tone "If you don't get off the fucking floor I am going to join you. I am going to lay on the floor, kicking and screaming. Screaming that I don't wanna buy you fucking yogurt." At first he gave me a look as if to call my bluff....... Silly little shit. So I did it, I began getting on the floor. His face turned red as I began getting loud and saying "I don't wanna buy the fucking yogurt" I didn't even get all the way down on the floor and his ass flew up as if someone screamed "FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE".... Did he reallllllly think I was going to be embarrassed? Message to him - I have given birth, twice, with several people starring at me in a less than favorable position with my vagina in the air.... pushing your big headed ass out into the world.... I mean if I can handle that vulnerability, I think I can handle a little humiliation. Next time you try the shit I am going to embarrass you with such severity that you will become a hermit in fear that your Mama might do something to ruin your rep.

Amongst the scene though, I wasn't asked to leave...... The other shoppers didn't talk shit ((probably because they were concerned that if they had tried to talk shit to the mentally unstable woman joining her son in a temper tantrum that I may turn into a super ninja and ruin their whole lives)) sure they looked.... But it was more like a serves that little shit right, embarrassing his drop dead gorgeous mother like that.

I also recall a story, my bestie, she's quite entertaining that one... Her youngest was having a moment of insanity, screaming acting a fool. I'm not certain what over, but he's a kid could have been that she grabbed the wrong fuckin pop tarts. Anyhow, a lady passing by is looking at her as if she is unfit, so what does she do.... She says to the lady, "I don't know what the fuck you're looking at.... Did you wanna take him? No? Then don't fucking stare at me"

These are the many adventures of walmart that really keep me going there. Sure their cheap prices are attractive, but really it's the people and the situations that ONLY happen when you are at Walmart, let me be shopping at Meijer or Target and my kids don't even so much as fart loud enough for someone to hear it.... But Walmart, it's like they know they can get away with murder......

Never ashamed to teach them a lesson

Your Personal Madam

xoxoxxo