I'm sure that some of you enjoy the occassional drag of a "special" stoggie..... As I used to when I was younger. Quite frankly I would like to say that some of the best life's material happens to us when there has or had been the use of marijuana.
One of my most memorable experiences began with a simple and relatively harmless phone call inviting me to a party in Flint. The playoffs were on t.v. and a gentleman that I had been secretly admiring had called to invite me to the party. The party took place at, I think it was a motel 6, or something like that. It was a one level motel. There were 3 rooms that were rented and all the rooms had open doors upon my arrival. The parking lot was packed, as I should have expected. The gentleman suitor met me in the parking lot and walked me in..... I should have brought a gal pal, because I didn't know a single person and I was the only white person that happened upon the festivities, which instantaniously brought upon animocity from the ladies of the party... "who invited the white girl" .... "who the fuck does she think she is" me being me... didn't give a fuck....
The rooms were FILLED with people. There were blunts upon blunts being passed around, thankfully the guys at this party weren't as stuffy as the ladies, and very kindly shared their kush. About an hour and a half into the event (lack of a better word) I decided that it was probably a good idea to take my high ass home. Mind you.... THREE ROOMS...... BLUNTS UPON BLUNTS being passed around and me not declining an offer for a hit not one single time.....
I gathered what I had left of my thoughts, rummaged through my purse to find the keys to my mother's truck (god she is going to be pissed) got in, gave myself 10-15 to prepare myself for my high apple pie adventure home.
Travelling along I-75, at the posted speed because I had cruise control or I probably would have been Speedy Gonzales one minute and slow waaaaaaaaaaaaay down the next (you know how you drive when you are stoned) It's late at night, so thankfully I am the ONLY one on the highway or it would have been bad news bears. I mean I was so high I wasn't sure if I was travelling the right way home.... The lines in the road looked to have risen up and were 4 ft tall..... I felt so heavy that I felt like I was pushing the car 70 miles an hour. It's a god send that no one was hurt...... Travelling along with all four windows down, you know it was cold out and it will help to keep you awake during the drive LOL music as high as it can possibly go.....
AND OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE........ There it was..... THE BIGGEST FUCKING RED CHICKEN I HAD EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right there in the middle of the highway.... Not moving. No that bastard was determined to ruin my night. It was so large that it took up all 3 lanes of the highway. So what did I do, you're wondering I'm sure. I stopped. I stopped right there in the middle of the highway. Now we have to remember I was high. So what was my first concern? How was I going to get around this mother fucker.... i was never going to get home because it was never going to move! FUCK MY LIFE. Then BAM, stroke of genius.... I slowly drove around it.... Driving away I took a sigh of relief. Like PHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW that was a close call. I wonder what the other cars are going to do when they happen upon it.
Needless to say I made it home, slept 16 hours and vowed never to tell a soul because once I had sobered up realized that I was a fuckin idiot.... well cats out of the bag.... or in this case the chicken......
That fuckin Chicken RUINED My High
Praying to never have another chicken stand off,
Your Personal Madam
xoxo
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Key Signs You Shouldn't Be Dating That Nikka
Ladies, it's in our nature to keep pushing through the hard times... But if there are clear signs that are hypothetically screaming at you, to run forest mother fuckin run.... And you are staying, then you have a problem and I do believe that it is your families responsibility to step in. No dick is so good that you can't move onto the next....
How can I be sure that I am in a relationship that I need to keep it moving you may be asking...... No worries, I got this, I will be more than happy to give you a list..... If there are 5 or more that you can identify with, RUN BITCH RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Key Signs to look for:
-He lives still lives with his mom.... And she is sort of a cock block
-His Mom is going to be really pissed off that you are white
-He doesn't invite you to do anything.... This typically means that you are an embarassment to him...
-You have been dating for several months and he ist still using the excuse that he just isn't ready....
-Your better than him AND he knows it
-He genuinely doesn't believe he is good enough for you, and YOU AGREE WITH HIM
-Right now that lil dick is getting the job done, FOR NOW, but know he better get to spicing shit up
-He would rather go to the gym and sweat it out with a bunch of his boys, than hang out with you
-He is car-less
-He is jobless
-He still sleeps in until 2:00 in the afternoon.....
-You two have absolutely nothing to talk about so you have sex to conitnue feeling a connection with him
- When he calls you, you roll your eyes and make a noise like DO I REALLY HAVE TO ANSWER OR CAN I COME UP WITH A BELIEVABLE EXCUSE
- He texts you the same 4 messages everyday
- You know that you are smarter than he is
- You know a lot about him, but he knows nothing about you
- You haven't been able to catch him, but you're pretty certain he still has a "blankey"
- You thought you were having a conversation with him about his day until you realized that he has his head phones on and is playing the game talking to SugernSpice113 through the gaming station
- You can't wait until your on your period
- After your period you are really praying for a yeast infection
- You're hoping that the yeast infection turns into a UTI so that you have a solid few weeks that you don't HAVE to have sex with him
- The way he chews his food grosses you out
- You offer your first born as a sacrifice to the under Lord for him to find someone else to mooch off of
- Every morning that you wake up to go to work you try to be a super ninja not to wake his lazy ass up so that you don't have to kiss him goodbye or give him any morning sex because you would rather swallow razor blades
If you are only hanging out because it's a comfort..... Just remember if you fuck someone else at least it will be adventurous....
Educating the Masses
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
How can I be sure that I am in a relationship that I need to keep it moving you may be asking...... No worries, I got this, I will be more than happy to give you a list..... If there are 5 or more that you can identify with, RUN BITCH RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Key Signs to look for:
-He lives still lives with his mom.... And she is sort of a cock block
-His Mom is going to be really pissed off that you are white
-He doesn't invite you to do anything.... This typically means that you are an embarassment to him...
-You have been dating for several months and he ist still using the excuse that he just isn't ready....
-Your better than him AND he knows it
-He genuinely doesn't believe he is good enough for you, and YOU AGREE WITH HIM
-Right now that lil dick is getting the job done, FOR NOW, but know he better get to spicing shit up
-He would rather go to the gym and sweat it out with a bunch of his boys, than hang out with you
-He is car-less
-He is jobless
-He still sleeps in until 2:00 in the afternoon.....
-You two have absolutely nothing to talk about so you have sex to conitnue feeling a connection with him
- When he calls you, you roll your eyes and make a noise like DO I REALLY HAVE TO ANSWER OR CAN I COME UP WITH A BELIEVABLE EXCUSE
- He texts you the same 4 messages everyday
- You know that you are smarter than he is
- You know a lot about him, but he knows nothing about you
- You haven't been able to catch him, but you're pretty certain he still has a "blankey"
- You thought you were having a conversation with him about his day until you realized that he has his head phones on and is playing the game talking to SugernSpice113 through the gaming station
- You can't wait until your on your period
- After your period you are really praying for a yeast infection
- You're hoping that the yeast infection turns into a UTI so that you have a solid few weeks that you don't HAVE to have sex with him
- The way he chews his food grosses you out
- You offer your first born as a sacrifice to the under Lord for him to find someone else to mooch off of
- Every morning that you wake up to go to work you try to be a super ninja not to wake his lazy ass up so that you don't have to kiss him goodbye or give him any morning sex because you would rather swallow razor blades
If you are only hanging out because it's a comfort..... Just remember if you fuck someone else at least it will be adventurous....
Educating the Masses
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Girls Take Shits Too
Yup, I'm going there. Guys typically don't want to talk about it and girls typically will deny it. But GIRLS TAKE SHITS TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean let's get real here for a minute. You and your girl go out to eat at a Chinese restraunt and you have to run to the bathroom right after your wonton soup and you don't think she is going to have bubble guts too? Just because she doesn't do it when you are home, or fart in front of you doesn't mean that she doesn't get her stank on too.
I just had this conversation today. I am a regular gal. I gotta take a shit everyday. If not, I will begin to panic and think that there is something wrong. I didn't go for 2 days and began to think that I was going to have to take myself to the hospital because the plumbing was going to get backed up.... But then about 6:45 victory was mine. I gave birth to a 5 lb 4 oz toilet baby.... Some of the best work I have ever produced in the office.
There isn't anything wrong with it and I don't quite understand why it's so hush hush. Woman don't just have assholes for guys to try to stick shit in..... They aren't there as decorative design. Just like men, it's there for performance.
Ladies, let's be honest with the world and ourselves here.... Sometimes you release shits of severity that you want to take a picture of and post on facebook just to say "BOOYA, I did that, what's up bro?!"
It's okay to come to terms with the fact that we dump.... doo doo.... shit.... blow it up... however you wanna label it. We do it. Just because men know we are perfect doesn't mean that we were born with the ability to expell what our bodies have taken in with out shitting.
The next time ladies, you decide to drop a log upon the porceline tidle wave, tell your man something super unsexy. Like "I have to go give birth to a toilet baby" or "Don't wait to start the movie for me babe, I gotta go drop the kids off at the pool and it's gonna be a while". Then take a picture of their face!!!!!!!!
Keeping the sewer company in service,
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxox
I mean let's get real here for a minute. You and your girl go out to eat at a Chinese restraunt and you have to run to the bathroom right after your wonton soup and you don't think she is going to have bubble guts too? Just because she doesn't do it when you are home, or fart in front of you doesn't mean that she doesn't get her stank on too.
I just had this conversation today. I am a regular gal. I gotta take a shit everyday. If not, I will begin to panic and think that there is something wrong. I didn't go for 2 days and began to think that I was going to have to take myself to the hospital because the plumbing was going to get backed up.... But then about 6:45 victory was mine. I gave birth to a 5 lb 4 oz toilet baby.... Some of the best work I have ever produced in the office.
There isn't anything wrong with it and I don't quite understand why it's so hush hush. Woman don't just have assholes for guys to try to stick shit in..... They aren't there as decorative design. Just like men, it's there for performance.
Ladies, let's be honest with the world and ourselves here.... Sometimes you release shits of severity that you want to take a picture of and post on facebook just to say "BOOYA, I did that, what's up bro?!"
It's okay to come to terms with the fact that we dump.... doo doo.... shit.... blow it up... however you wanna label it. We do it. Just because men know we are perfect doesn't mean that we were born with the ability to expell what our bodies have taken in with out shitting.
The next time ladies, you decide to drop a log upon the porceline tidle wave, tell your man something super unsexy. Like "I have to go give birth to a toilet baby" or "Don't wait to start the movie for me babe, I gotta go drop the kids off at the pool and it's gonna be a while". Then take a picture of their face!!!!!!!!
Keeping the sewer company in service,
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxox
Smile baby, it's already a dreadful world.
There are difficult situations in which we all must overcome. The people in my life, are drawn to me when life gets difficult because I've persevered tribulations that most at 27 haven't encountered and can assure them that this isn't life ending, just altering. Sure, some days I'd rather just be to myself to process my thoughts, and think out my next move. But, I refuse, to allow those circumstances keep me down. I stop. Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror and say out loud "Smile baby, it's already a dreadful world."
The way I see it is that you have two choices. Either you can dwell on the bullshit served to you on a silver platter by Bruce Wayne's butler, Alfred Pennyworth. Or, you can decide to take it as an opportunity to further your greatness. The ability to overcome the greatest of obstacles will enhance your confidence.
There isn't any bridge that you will approach that someone before you hasn't already crossed. Stop feeling bad for yourself.
The "whoa as me" has become tired.... Try something new. I've heard several times in my life, "you're the strongest woman I know" and honestly, other than someone telling me that I am the funniest person they know, that is the ultimate compliment.
When you stumble upon a temporary moment in life, that you aren't sure that you can surpass, stop and think to yourself...... FUCK YOU!!!!!! I got this, I'm the only one with the control over what happens in my life. Situations, you don't always have control over. However, you have control over the decision that you will arrive to on how to handle the situations that you have been given.
There isn't anything so troublesome that you aren't mentally capable of bitch slapping. There isn't anything that owns you. There isn't anyone who decides your destiny. The next time life gets you down.....
The way I see it is that you have two choices. Either you can dwell on the bullshit served to you on a silver platter by Bruce Wayne's butler, Alfred Pennyworth. Or, you can decide to take it as an opportunity to further your greatness. The ability to overcome the greatest of obstacles will enhance your confidence.
There isn't any bridge that you will approach that someone before you hasn't already crossed. Stop feeling bad for yourself.
The "whoa as me" has become tired.... Try something new. I've heard several times in my life, "you're the strongest woman I know" and honestly, other than someone telling me that I am the funniest person they know, that is the ultimate compliment.
When you stumble upon a temporary moment in life, that you aren't sure that you can surpass, stop and think to yourself...... FUCK YOU!!!!!! I got this, I'm the only one with the control over what happens in my life. Situations, you don't always have control over. However, you have control over the decision that you will arrive to on how to handle the situations that you have been given.
There isn't anything so troublesome that you aren't mentally capable of bitch slapping. There isn't anything that owns you. There isn't anyone who decides your destiny. The next time life gets you down.....
SMILE BABY, IT'S ALREADY A DREADFUL WORLD
Always remember, you got this......
Forever encouraging
Forever strong
Forever yours
<3 Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxo
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