Do you ever wonder why you make the decisions that you make after having a nearly epic sexual love affair? I say that these decisions were made because you were under the influence of sex.
Decisions under the influence of sex you may be asking me.... Not sure that you have experienced one of more of these situations? Allow me to paint you a verbal picture of some of the ENDLESS situations that you may find yourself buried in after being under the influence of sex.
OMG WHO IS LAYING IN MY BED
Yuuup.... This would find classification beneath "Under the Influence of Sex". You wake from what you remember, an exciting, eventful, enchanting evening out. You danced to "Teach Me How to Dougie" like you were fucking Dougie himself, you drank enough Grey Goose that you were certain that you laid golden fuckin eggs. You laughed so hard the entire night that you were worried that your anti aging cream wasn't going to prevent the smile line crevices from forming. You wipe away the sleepies from your eyes, strrrrrrrrrrrretch your body long and hard while yawning. Release a deep sigh. And then as if you were being mocked, your sheets begin to move, there is a stretch next to you and a yawn. Okay, now a slight amount of panic has began to consume you.... And you hear "Good morning beautiful" There is a moment where your heart skips a beat and you think "FUCK ME, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME" This poor decision making, wasn't because you were drunk and couldn't help yourself. You had the hottest man rubbing on your body as if he was a professional lotion applier and your mind began running with sex filled images, you thought it was because you were under the influence of alcohol???? DUMB ASS, you were definitely under the influence.... OF SEX!
I LOVE YOU
You've been dating for a while, really into him? Not quite sure if you really love him though right? I mean we have all been there, don't feel judged, it's just and observation. One night you are snuggled up... cakin. One thing leads to another and all the sudden you're Jane and he is Tarzan, sex is outrageous..... He's picking you up and spinning you around like you are 17 yrs old and on the cheer team again. Whispering sweet.... nasty.... X rated nothings to each other and then.... "I love you" slips out of your lips like "Fuck you dirty hoe bag" flies out of an individual with turrets at church. I'm sorry this has happened. You weren't ready. But you were under the influence of sex.... It's gets the best of us sometimes.
E.P.T
Clean Sheets - CHECK
Lit Candle - CHECK
Sex Toys - CHECK
Lube - Check
Contraceptives - Oops
So you felt extra adventurous... You thought tonight was going to be monumental. You had everything needed for an excursion he wasn't quite prepared for........ Accept you were under the influence of sex and forgot contraceptives..... Now you're sending him to the store to get an E.P.T...... At first you feel a little throw up and maybe even diarrhea. Sometimes being under the influence of sex sends you surprises long after the influence has worn off.
Once in a while being under the influence of sex will send you into orgasms unmeasurable. And then again.... sometimes it will leave you with less than happy experiences.....
Thoughtfully,
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxox
Thursday, December 27, 2012
You are who you are.... OWN IT
I am thoroughly over extra fakes. You are who the fuck you are..... OWN IT ALREADY! I mean seriously. The fakeness has taken an all new low.
If you're a hoe. Be the best hoe you can be. The only time that you should be concerned about your permiscuity is right before you go to the Dr. to ensure that you free and clear to continue hoeing.
If you are a bitch, ensure that you are the biggest cunt out. Don't let someone out bitch you. Don't pretend to be nice to gain a vast audience, just be a bitch, some people like that shit.
If you're the nice one. Don't be mean so that people don't walk all over you. You're the nice one for a reason, normally you're friends with the bitch, let her handle less than favorable assholes.
What i am trying to say is be who you are no matter where you are.... Don't change because one person would find you more attractive or "better" if you were to change. The character flaw is within themselves. If they want you to stop being a hoe, they probably aren't good in bed. If they don't want you to be a bitch, they probably don't have a spine to handle your bullshit. If they think that you are too nice, it's probably because they are a dick and are tired of looking like the bad guy for treating you like shit.
All in all, each of us hold the traits neccessary for survival. Before you think, "I need to change something about myself".... Think, "I made it this far in life because I'm awesome and because I am the...... "
In life we stumble upon several different kinds of people. It's within those individuals that we learn that who we are makes us unique.... Makes us individuals.
The next time I meet someone that tries to fake who they are, I'm going to smack them in the goddamn face.... because I am "The Bitch" and that's what we do..... My friend "The Nice One" will make you feel better about the situation afterwards.
Encouraging you to be you.
xoxoxox
Your Personal Madam
If you're a hoe. Be the best hoe you can be. The only time that you should be concerned about your permiscuity is right before you go to the Dr. to ensure that you free and clear to continue hoeing.
If you are a bitch, ensure that you are the biggest cunt out. Don't let someone out bitch you. Don't pretend to be nice to gain a vast audience, just be a bitch, some people like that shit.
If you're the nice one. Don't be mean so that people don't walk all over you. You're the nice one for a reason, normally you're friends with the bitch, let her handle less than favorable assholes.
What i am trying to say is be who you are no matter where you are.... Don't change because one person would find you more attractive or "better" if you were to change. The character flaw is within themselves. If they want you to stop being a hoe, they probably aren't good in bed. If they don't want you to be a bitch, they probably don't have a spine to handle your bullshit. If they think that you are too nice, it's probably because they are a dick and are tired of looking like the bad guy for treating you like shit.
All in all, each of us hold the traits neccessary for survival. Before you think, "I need to change something about myself".... Think, "I made it this far in life because I'm awesome and because I am the...... "
In life we stumble upon several different kinds of people. It's within those individuals that we learn that who we are makes us unique.... Makes us individuals.
The next time I meet someone that tries to fake who they are, I'm going to smack them in the goddamn face.... because I am "The Bitch" and that's what we do..... My friend "The Nice One" will make you feel better about the situation afterwards.
Encouraging you to be you.
xoxoxox
Your Personal Madam
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Swallowing your pride is like swallowing a spoon full of Cinnamon
We all know I am a prideful person. Admits when she is wrong, certainly, but does it while trying to choke down vomit. I compare swallowing your pride to trying to swallow a spoonful of Cinnamon.... It's not impossible but it's painful and can end up humiliating.
Point blank period... I FUCKING HATE IT. I would rather find out that I had a warrant for my arrest than have to swallow my pride. I would rather find out that someone had been secretly video taping me taking shits in the work bathroom than swallow my pride. I would rather come home to find that there was a robbery, but the only thing they took was my shoe collection than swallow my pride.
I'm a stubborn Irish prick.... everyone knows it. It's 100% my way or no way. "You don't like the way I drive, get the fuck out the car and walk" kind of girl.... When is it okay to tell yourself, you're being a fuckin idiot....
Sometimes in life you have to learn to let go. A personal struggle of mine which I am currently attempting to learn how to do. However I expect greater things from my viewers that I am able to do myself. Hypocrite you may be saying. Sure. That's accurate in all respects. Although, if I didn't expect greater things from you and encourage your growth then really, what the fuck is this blog site for?
You come here to read, hopefully learn a little something and laugh your mother fucking ass off occasionally. If not, stop coming to the site, you're wasting your time.
Recently I made a decision based off of only my wants and jeopardized a relationship. It was selfish. I began the 3 day rule. I was doing great too. UNTIL, he text me to tell me that he missed me. Now normally I would have been an asshole because that's my nature. I would have either ignored it, or I would have told him to fuck himself. This time was different. I told him I missed him too. Now this was on day 2 if he would have waited until day 3 there wouldn't have been hope for him. However he swallowed his pride as a man, which I am sure was like swallowing a spoon full of Cinnamon for him. If he hadn't though, he would have been a memory. I wouldn't have been able to set my own needs aside for one moment and think of someone else.
Victorious because I was able to hypothetically swallow a spoon full of cinnamon. Teaching lessons through my blog is making me learn from new experiences as well.
Love your forever growing,
Personal Madam
xoxoxoxox
Point blank period... I FUCKING HATE IT. I would rather find out that I had a warrant for my arrest than have to swallow my pride. I would rather find out that someone had been secretly video taping me taking shits in the work bathroom than swallow my pride. I would rather come home to find that there was a robbery, but the only thing they took was my shoe collection than swallow my pride.
I'm a stubborn Irish prick.... everyone knows it. It's 100% my way or no way. "You don't like the way I drive, get the fuck out the car and walk" kind of girl.... When is it okay to tell yourself, you're being a fuckin idiot....
Sometimes in life you have to learn to let go. A personal struggle of mine which I am currently attempting to learn how to do. However I expect greater things from my viewers that I am able to do myself. Hypocrite you may be saying. Sure. That's accurate in all respects. Although, if I didn't expect greater things from you and encourage your growth then really, what the fuck is this blog site for?
You come here to read, hopefully learn a little something and laugh your mother fucking ass off occasionally. If not, stop coming to the site, you're wasting your time.
Recently I made a decision based off of only my wants and jeopardized a relationship. It was selfish. I began the 3 day rule. I was doing great too. UNTIL, he text me to tell me that he missed me. Now normally I would have been an asshole because that's my nature. I would have either ignored it, or I would have told him to fuck himself. This time was different. I told him I missed him too. Now this was on day 2 if he would have waited until day 3 there wouldn't have been hope for him. However he swallowed his pride as a man, which I am sure was like swallowing a spoon full of Cinnamon for him. If he hadn't though, he would have been a memory. I wouldn't have been able to set my own needs aside for one moment and think of someone else.
Victorious because I was able to hypothetically swallow a spoon full of cinnamon. Teaching lessons through my blog is making me learn from new experiences as well.
Love your forever growing,
Personal Madam
xoxoxoxox
Extra Bitch? Or a Boss Bitch?
There is an epic event scheduled for this evening. It's my sissy poo's birthday party today and we are going to celebrate as all boss's do. REAL FUCKIN BIG. Now, I began thinking about being a boss, or an extra bitch and I figured that most girls don't even know they are an extra. I figured that it was my duty as the boss of all boss's to educate the masses as to your place in social food chain.
I will break these down by categories. First we will address what a boss does, because a boss never takes the back seat and expects to be talked about first. Then i will address the extra bitches. If you aren't really sure, NO ONE wants to be an extra bitch.... you aren't memorable.
Apparel
The Boss, never and I repeat never, wears the same thing as another bitch when out. Reason for this is because if I am wearing the same thing as another bitch, one I am not original, two if the other bitch is an extra bitch, I am now being compared to an extra and that's completely unacceptable. Not only is the Boss a fashion inovator, but they rock clothing with and effortlessness unexplained. Boss's have it first. Rock it first and if we don't do it first it's not rocked at all.
An extra bitch typically waits to see what the Boss is rockin then imitates the look. An extra is worried about being the Boss but doesn't have the balls to step up the game to be first. The extra struggles with sexy and slutty. See it's okay to wear and open back, or a plunging neck line or short shorts or a dress. But not all at once. If you can't leave ANYTHING to the imagination, no one is going to want it.... They already see what you have.... A man needs to have something to chase, that's why they call eachother "dog"....
Make Up
The Boss wears enough make up to cover imperfections. She also matches the make up with the ensamble. Different styles of make up for different occassions. Bar = Sexy Make Up, Family Even = Just enough to give you the pretty girl next door look, Work = Make up that is sensible less than the bar but more than a family event. It's done with tastefullness, but it's done in a way that everyone who encounters the Boss, finds her attractive.
An Extra bitch has one way of wearing her make up. TOO FUCKING MUCH. There is no happy medium, there is no question that her face color isn't natural because she has a line that follows her jaw line to her chin. Note to extra's: No man wants to take the girl with too much make up home.... He doesn't want that shit on his pillow cases and it scares him.
Respect
The Boss demands respect and is rightfully given to her. She is feared and prefers to be feared. If no one fears the boss, then people find themselves in situations where they talk any old way and when they talk any old way to other people, chaos breaks out. The Boss does not stand for chaos. Everyone in the boss's world knows the level of capability held by the Boss and with the respect of her, fear the what if I.....
The Extra bitch, gets no respect. Who can respect an extra when the extra can't respect herself. Nothing else left to say.
The Family
This section isn't related to like your "family" mom and dad... This section is related to the people that you roll with. The Boss is the head of the table.... She runs the show. By running the show she also ensures that The Family follows suit and ensures safety. Each member of The Family (or crew) has a specific placement and job to ensure that life runs smoothly for each other. This is very mob-esque. No one dare fuck with anyone of the The Family for the simple fact that they go every where together and if they aren't together at the very moment that chaos break out, are very much within moments of one another to make sure that business is handled appropriately.
The Extra Bitches family.... This is made up of women who are unstable. Flirt with each others man, and when one gets mad says well you can't really be mad at me because you guys weren't together.... Or i slept with your baby daddy because I wanted to show you how much of a deuche bag he is. There is no systematic roles in the extra family. No one has the ability to lead. No one has security in the crew because at any time they can replace each other. No one is ensured safety, because half the time if they are arguing or being disrespected its by one another.
Attitude
The Boss knows who she is. Never questions herself and if she does she doesn't allow anyone else to know it. The Boss's atittude is this - You will respect me, I will not give you a choice. I am the definition of strength. A boss knows her self worth and doesn't allow other people to measure this for her. She will not stand for bullshit, she eliminates it with a snap of her fingers. The Boss does not negotiate the safety of her family and will now bow to another boss at any point in time.
The Extra Bitch has an attitude that she is better than others, but will cry at the drop of a dime in front of the world. Exploiting her insecurities. Leaving the world with an emotional buffet to ruin an Extra's whole life. The Extra is easily broken. Strength isn't in the Extras vocabulary and is used to settling because as the Extra really is without choice.
Men
Before seperating the Boss's from the Extra's on this topic, allow me to explain this isn't just a topic on the Men in the sense of dating. This will range from Dad, Brother's, Friends, Baby Daddy's, and of course the Men we are dating.
The men in a Boss's life, are her equal. They are treated as such, and if they aren't worthy of the Boss's time, they become a figment of the passed and aren't in the Boss's life anymore. A man isn't superior to a Boss. Men need a Boss. A Boss is the matriarch. Without the Boss the family will crumble. She allows the men in her life to feel like men, she doesn't belittle them, she allows them to feel an empowerment and that they are strong. She doesn't hold them down, she holds them up.
An Extra bitch is ran by men. She is the peon. She strives to make her man feel like a man. Typically the extra gets NO respect from men. No matter who the man in her life is. She doesn't speak out and doesn't say no, because without a man in her life, feels incomplete.
The Message
The Boss's of the world, need you Extra's. This way when a man encounters a Boss, he knows the difference. What an Extra stands for his nothing of substance. She lives for the here and the now and for herself. The Boss is always living for the future and for the family's preseverance.
If you okay being an Extra Bitch and don't want to better yourself, get the fuck out of me and MINE'S way. We boss all day everyday. There isn't one thing in our lives that don't exude Boss.
Bossin isn't easy.... At least I make it look as such.
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxoxo
I will break these down by categories. First we will address what a boss does, because a boss never takes the back seat and expects to be talked about first. Then i will address the extra bitches. If you aren't really sure, NO ONE wants to be an extra bitch.... you aren't memorable.
Apparel
The Boss, never and I repeat never, wears the same thing as another bitch when out. Reason for this is because if I am wearing the same thing as another bitch, one I am not original, two if the other bitch is an extra bitch, I am now being compared to an extra and that's completely unacceptable. Not only is the Boss a fashion inovator, but they rock clothing with and effortlessness unexplained. Boss's have it first. Rock it first and if we don't do it first it's not rocked at all.
An extra bitch typically waits to see what the Boss is rockin then imitates the look. An extra is worried about being the Boss but doesn't have the balls to step up the game to be first. The extra struggles with sexy and slutty. See it's okay to wear and open back, or a plunging neck line or short shorts or a dress. But not all at once. If you can't leave ANYTHING to the imagination, no one is going to want it.... They already see what you have.... A man needs to have something to chase, that's why they call eachother "dog"....
Make Up
The Boss wears enough make up to cover imperfections. She also matches the make up with the ensamble. Different styles of make up for different occassions. Bar = Sexy Make Up, Family Even = Just enough to give you the pretty girl next door look, Work = Make up that is sensible less than the bar but more than a family event. It's done with tastefullness, but it's done in a way that everyone who encounters the Boss, finds her attractive.
An Extra bitch has one way of wearing her make up. TOO FUCKING MUCH. There is no happy medium, there is no question that her face color isn't natural because she has a line that follows her jaw line to her chin. Note to extra's: No man wants to take the girl with too much make up home.... He doesn't want that shit on his pillow cases and it scares him.
Respect
The Boss demands respect and is rightfully given to her. She is feared and prefers to be feared. If no one fears the boss, then people find themselves in situations where they talk any old way and when they talk any old way to other people, chaos breaks out. The Boss does not stand for chaos. Everyone in the boss's world knows the level of capability held by the Boss and with the respect of her, fear the what if I.....
The Extra bitch, gets no respect. Who can respect an extra when the extra can't respect herself. Nothing else left to say.
The Family
This section isn't related to like your "family" mom and dad... This section is related to the people that you roll with. The Boss is the head of the table.... She runs the show. By running the show she also ensures that The Family follows suit and ensures safety. Each member of The Family (or crew) has a specific placement and job to ensure that life runs smoothly for each other. This is very mob-esque. No one dare fuck with anyone of the The Family for the simple fact that they go every where together and if they aren't together at the very moment that chaos break out, are very much within moments of one another to make sure that business is handled appropriately.
The Extra Bitches family.... This is made up of women who are unstable. Flirt with each others man, and when one gets mad says well you can't really be mad at me because you guys weren't together.... Or i slept with your baby daddy because I wanted to show you how much of a deuche bag he is. There is no systematic roles in the extra family. No one has the ability to lead. No one has security in the crew because at any time they can replace each other. No one is ensured safety, because half the time if they are arguing or being disrespected its by one another.
Attitude
The Boss knows who she is. Never questions herself and if she does she doesn't allow anyone else to know it. The Boss's atittude is this - You will respect me, I will not give you a choice. I am the definition of strength. A boss knows her self worth and doesn't allow other people to measure this for her. She will not stand for bullshit, she eliminates it with a snap of her fingers. The Boss does not negotiate the safety of her family and will now bow to another boss at any point in time.
The Extra Bitch has an attitude that she is better than others, but will cry at the drop of a dime in front of the world. Exploiting her insecurities. Leaving the world with an emotional buffet to ruin an Extra's whole life. The Extra is easily broken. Strength isn't in the Extras vocabulary and is used to settling because as the Extra really is without choice.
Men
Before seperating the Boss's from the Extra's on this topic, allow me to explain this isn't just a topic on the Men in the sense of dating. This will range from Dad, Brother's, Friends, Baby Daddy's, and of course the Men we are dating.
The men in a Boss's life, are her equal. They are treated as such, and if they aren't worthy of the Boss's time, they become a figment of the passed and aren't in the Boss's life anymore. A man isn't superior to a Boss. Men need a Boss. A Boss is the matriarch. Without the Boss the family will crumble. She allows the men in her life to feel like men, she doesn't belittle them, she allows them to feel an empowerment and that they are strong. She doesn't hold them down, she holds them up.
An Extra bitch is ran by men. She is the peon. She strives to make her man feel like a man. Typically the extra gets NO respect from men. No matter who the man in her life is. She doesn't speak out and doesn't say no, because without a man in her life, feels incomplete.
The Message
The Boss's of the world, need you Extra's. This way when a man encounters a Boss, he knows the difference. What an Extra stands for his nothing of substance. She lives for the here and the now and for herself. The Boss is always living for the future and for the family's preseverance.
If you okay being an Extra Bitch and don't want to better yourself, get the fuck out of me and MINE'S way. We boss all day everyday. There isn't one thing in our lives that don't exude Boss.
Bossin isn't easy.... At least I make it look as such.
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The Many Adventures of Walmart
You know I really enjoy shopping at Walmart. I feel like I can shop there without judgement. You know when you unexpectedly start your period in the middle of the night., you don't want to get dressed, you want to put shoes on with your mismatched pajamas, maybe a hoodie, and go get your fuckin feminine hygiene.
I've had me a many of adventures at Walmart. For instance, I had to go shopping for some good eat treats. My oldest son asks, "Hey, mama, can we get yogurt so I can take it to school?" So I obviously oblige the little guys request, walk over to the yogurt section and throw some "gogurts" in the cart. What happened next was 100% unexpected. Thankfully I am quick on my feet. He insists that the gogurts that I had put in the cart aren't the right kind..... and then the situation escalated rapidly. He began screaming, not just any screaming. The kind of scream where your face begins turning red and you are like one pitch away from screaming so hard that you shit your pants.... Yeah that's where he was at. He begins telling me that he is NOT going to eat the yogurt in the cart. And then.....THROWS HIMSELF ON THE FLOOR Now there were shoppers nearby, at first I was going to grab my youngest son and my purse and make a mad dash at the nearest exit and leave that little fucker surrounded by yogurt. I paused, took a deep breath, and amongst the rant found the humor in it. So I gave him "the look" and he shut the fuck up instantaneously. I said in a calm, creepy tone "If you don't get off the fucking floor I am going to join you. I am going to lay on the floor, kicking and screaming. Screaming that I don't wanna buy you fucking yogurt." At first he gave me a look as if to call my bluff....... Silly little shit. So I did it, I began getting on the floor. His face turned red as I began getting loud and saying "I don't wanna buy the fucking yogurt" I didn't even get all the way down on the floor and his ass flew up as if someone screamed "FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE".... Did he reallllllly think I was going to be embarrassed? Message to him - I have given birth, twice, with several people starring at me in a less than favorable position with my vagina in the air.... pushing your big headed ass out into the world.... I mean if I can handle that vulnerability, I think I can handle a little humiliation. Next time you try the shit I am going to embarrass you with such severity that you will become a hermit in fear that your Mama might do something to ruin your rep.
Amongst the scene though, I wasn't asked to leave...... The other shoppers didn't talk shit ((probably because they were concerned that if they had tried to talk shit to the mentally unstable woman joining her son in a temper tantrum that I may turn into a super ninja and ruin their whole lives)) sure they looked.... But it was more like a serves that little shit right, embarrassing his drop dead gorgeous mother like that.
I also recall a story, my bestie, she's quite entertaining that one... Her youngest was having a moment of insanity, screaming acting a fool. I'm not certain what over, but he's a kid could have been that she grabbed the wrong fuckin pop tarts. Anyhow, a lady passing by is looking at her as if she is unfit, so what does she do.... She says to the lady, "I don't know what the fuck you're looking at.... Did you wanna take him? No? Then don't fucking stare at me"
These are the many adventures of walmart that really keep me going there. Sure their cheap prices are attractive, but really it's the people and the situations that ONLY happen when you are at Walmart, let me be shopping at Meijer or Target and my kids don't even so much as fart loud enough for someone to hear it.... But Walmart, it's like they know they can get away with murder......
Never ashamed to teach them a lesson
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxxo
I've had me a many of adventures at Walmart. For instance, I had to go shopping for some good eat treats. My oldest son asks, "Hey, mama, can we get yogurt so I can take it to school?" So I obviously oblige the little guys request, walk over to the yogurt section and throw some "gogurts" in the cart. What happened next was 100% unexpected. Thankfully I am quick on my feet. He insists that the gogurts that I had put in the cart aren't the right kind..... and then the situation escalated rapidly. He began screaming, not just any screaming. The kind of scream where your face begins turning red and you are like one pitch away from screaming so hard that you shit your pants.... Yeah that's where he was at. He begins telling me that he is NOT going to eat the yogurt in the cart. And then.....THROWS HIMSELF ON THE FLOOR Now there were shoppers nearby, at first I was going to grab my youngest son and my purse and make a mad dash at the nearest exit and leave that little fucker surrounded by yogurt. I paused, took a deep breath, and amongst the rant found the humor in it. So I gave him "the look" and he shut the fuck up instantaneously. I said in a calm, creepy tone "If you don't get off the fucking floor I am going to join you. I am going to lay on the floor, kicking and screaming. Screaming that I don't wanna buy you fucking yogurt." At first he gave me a look as if to call my bluff....... Silly little shit. So I did it, I began getting on the floor. His face turned red as I began getting loud and saying "I don't wanna buy the fucking yogurt" I didn't even get all the way down on the floor and his ass flew up as if someone screamed "FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE".... Did he reallllllly think I was going to be embarrassed? Message to him - I have given birth, twice, with several people starring at me in a less than favorable position with my vagina in the air.... pushing your big headed ass out into the world.... I mean if I can handle that vulnerability, I think I can handle a little humiliation. Next time you try the shit I am going to embarrass you with such severity that you will become a hermit in fear that your Mama might do something to ruin your rep.
Amongst the scene though, I wasn't asked to leave...... The other shoppers didn't talk shit ((probably because they were concerned that if they had tried to talk shit to the mentally unstable woman joining her son in a temper tantrum that I may turn into a super ninja and ruin their whole lives)) sure they looked.... But it was more like a serves that little shit right, embarrassing his drop dead gorgeous mother like that.
I also recall a story, my bestie, she's quite entertaining that one... Her youngest was having a moment of insanity, screaming acting a fool. I'm not certain what over, but he's a kid could have been that she grabbed the wrong fuckin pop tarts. Anyhow, a lady passing by is looking at her as if she is unfit, so what does she do.... She says to the lady, "I don't know what the fuck you're looking at.... Did you wanna take him? No? Then don't fucking stare at me"
These are the many adventures of walmart that really keep me going there. Sure their cheap prices are attractive, but really it's the people and the situations that ONLY happen when you are at Walmart, let me be shopping at Meijer or Target and my kids don't even so much as fart loud enough for someone to hear it.... But Walmart, it's like they know they can get away with murder......
Never ashamed to teach them a lesson
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxxo
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
The 3 Day Rule
Ladies, when you have had enough, you just can't put up with anymore bullshit and you are ready to call it quits. I am going to introduce you to "The 3 Day Rule". This is the perfect remedy in getting over that man that you just can't seem to stand anymore. It literally takes 3 days.
First, get it off your chest.... Scream, yell, fuck throw a glass if you have to. ((Just don't hit him, he might hit you back, or call the police)) Tell him everything that pisses you off. You know the entire relationship he has been letting loose on you about all of your fuckin imperfections, so now it's time for you to do it. Tell him that you are tired of sleeping only 1/2 the night cause he snores so loud that you got a ticket from the police because your neighbors complained about a noise ordenence. Tell him that the sex was fun at first and now he is a lazy ass and you are tired of being on top faking orgasms. Tell him that you really don't enjoy doing all the house hold chores, you just don't trust he can do it to your standards. Then end the fuckin relationship. Okay, so you feel better, at least a little bit right????
Next.... Plan an extravagent night with the girls. I mean you make sure that you are on point. Shave your legs, just in case. Get a new outfit, as slutty as you feel comfortable walking out of the house, take a picture and post that bitch on FB, cause you know he is still stalking your page. Make sure that your hair and make up are A-1 Fabulouso!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean you need to be so swagged out that you radiate that you are the shit before you even get out of the car. Now, you are feeling a little "man hater" that's fine... You should hate men right now. DO NOT ENTERTAIN FLIRTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are better than any man out tonight... who gives a fuck if they think you are a bitch. You're beautiful, fly, fabulous, wonderful, humorous and engaging and pretty much the baddest bitch out tonight. Dance your ass off. Out drink everyone out.
Finally scream it out. Go in your room. Shut the door behind you. Bury your head in your pillow. AND FUCKING SCREAM LIKE THERE IS NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. Now this really didn't do anything but you bet your sweet ass you feel better after. Okay so now the 3 day begins.
Day 1: Find a pal that will do nothing all day with you.... Play cards, go shopping, watch scary movies, whatever to pass the time away. Now Day 1 you will be pretty upset, he hasn't called or texted you.... and you are probably wondering why.... NO ONE CARES WHY GET THE FUCK OVER IT HE ISN'T THINKING ABOUT YOU. Just make sure that you are so filled with activities with your pal that you forgot that you checked your phone at 11:00 this morning with nothing from him and all the sudden it's 10:00 at night.
Day 2: Okay so now you aren't sad.... You're pissed. What the fuck is he doing that is so important? Did he just all of the sudden stop loving you? No, he is thinking about you just as much as you are thinking about him.... difference is he is expecting you to crack like an egg.... Grab ahold of those fucking lady balls and "man up" Emotions will not rule you today, because you are stronger than he is.... Today is the day for you to have alone time.... It's best to be alone on Day 2 in case you need to shed a couple of tears. Hell let the fucking fountain go.... cry... cry.... cry... It will help to cleanse the soul... But whatever you do... DO NOT CONTACT HIM.
Day 3: You wake up.... Do you notice that everything in your world seems brighter. Everything smells better and you are in a better mood? That would be because you have slept soundly and those two days before you didn't know it but you were actually reflecting on who you are and testing yourself. Have you learned yet that you will be okay without him? Have you learned that you are stronger than anyone including yourself thought that you could be? Did you take out your own trash? Notice you did less laundry? Got to make what YOU wanted for dinner????? Hmmmmm.... so really what was his worth if you were so miserable for so long????? Nothing he was a comfort. You know what else is a comfort? New shoes. So go buy yourself a new fucking pair of bad ass red 5 inch heels and start planning another night out with your girls.
3 Days is literally all it takes to move the fuck on. There is no emotion that you cant overcome. The only thing that prevents you as a human being to move forward from a break up is you. So get out of your head long enough for you to heal.... Once you allow yourself to do that the rest of your world will fall right into place. There is nothing that he can do that you can't do better... Not only better you do it in high heels on a daily basis. You give life. That's an empowering feeling in it's own.
Remember that it takes 3 days to keep it moving.... and when the 4th day comes and you don't feel better.... you hit me up and I will help you get out of your head : )
Fuck him if he didn't put a ring on it.
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxo
First, get it off your chest.... Scream, yell, fuck throw a glass if you have to. ((Just don't hit him, he might hit you back, or call the police)) Tell him everything that pisses you off. You know the entire relationship he has been letting loose on you about all of your fuckin imperfections, so now it's time for you to do it. Tell him that you are tired of sleeping only 1/2 the night cause he snores so loud that you got a ticket from the police because your neighbors complained about a noise ordenence. Tell him that the sex was fun at first and now he is a lazy ass and you are tired of being on top faking orgasms. Tell him that you really don't enjoy doing all the house hold chores, you just don't trust he can do it to your standards. Then end the fuckin relationship. Okay, so you feel better, at least a little bit right????
Next.... Plan an extravagent night with the girls. I mean you make sure that you are on point. Shave your legs, just in case. Get a new outfit, as slutty as you feel comfortable walking out of the house, take a picture and post that bitch on FB, cause you know he is still stalking your page. Make sure that your hair and make up are A-1 Fabulouso!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean you need to be so swagged out that you radiate that you are the shit before you even get out of the car. Now, you are feeling a little "man hater" that's fine... You should hate men right now. DO NOT ENTERTAIN FLIRTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are better than any man out tonight... who gives a fuck if they think you are a bitch. You're beautiful, fly, fabulous, wonderful, humorous and engaging and pretty much the baddest bitch out tonight. Dance your ass off. Out drink everyone out.
Finally scream it out. Go in your room. Shut the door behind you. Bury your head in your pillow. AND FUCKING SCREAM LIKE THERE IS NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. Now this really didn't do anything but you bet your sweet ass you feel better after. Okay so now the 3 day begins.
Day 1: Find a pal that will do nothing all day with you.... Play cards, go shopping, watch scary movies, whatever to pass the time away. Now Day 1 you will be pretty upset, he hasn't called or texted you.... and you are probably wondering why.... NO ONE CARES WHY GET THE FUCK OVER IT HE ISN'T THINKING ABOUT YOU. Just make sure that you are so filled with activities with your pal that you forgot that you checked your phone at 11:00 this morning with nothing from him and all the sudden it's 10:00 at night.
Day 2: Okay so now you aren't sad.... You're pissed. What the fuck is he doing that is so important? Did he just all of the sudden stop loving you? No, he is thinking about you just as much as you are thinking about him.... difference is he is expecting you to crack like an egg.... Grab ahold of those fucking lady balls and "man up" Emotions will not rule you today, because you are stronger than he is.... Today is the day for you to have alone time.... It's best to be alone on Day 2 in case you need to shed a couple of tears. Hell let the fucking fountain go.... cry... cry.... cry... It will help to cleanse the soul... But whatever you do... DO NOT CONTACT HIM.
Day 3: You wake up.... Do you notice that everything in your world seems brighter. Everything smells better and you are in a better mood? That would be because you have slept soundly and those two days before you didn't know it but you were actually reflecting on who you are and testing yourself. Have you learned yet that you will be okay without him? Have you learned that you are stronger than anyone including yourself thought that you could be? Did you take out your own trash? Notice you did less laundry? Got to make what YOU wanted for dinner????? Hmmmmm.... so really what was his worth if you were so miserable for so long????? Nothing he was a comfort. You know what else is a comfort? New shoes. So go buy yourself a new fucking pair of bad ass red 5 inch heels and start planning another night out with your girls.
3 Days is literally all it takes to move the fuck on. There is no emotion that you cant overcome. The only thing that prevents you as a human being to move forward from a break up is you. So get out of your head long enough for you to heal.... Once you allow yourself to do that the rest of your world will fall right into place. There is nothing that he can do that you can't do better... Not only better you do it in high heels on a daily basis. You give life. That's an empowering feeling in it's own.
Remember that it takes 3 days to keep it moving.... and when the 4th day comes and you don't feel better.... you hit me up and I will help you get out of your head : )
Fuck him if he didn't put a ring on it.
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxo
W.W.P.D.
Yes I said it. W.W.P.D. - What Would Paula Do? In any situation where you feel as if you are stuck in a situation stickier that sheets that have been cummed on, just think "W.W.P.D?" It's basically an okay to do fucked up shit in a really fucked up situation.
For instance, you walk in on your significant other with another person. Most women would fume internally or flip shit, but not enough. If you would have channelled your inner Paula you would have drove down the road with a truck full of that man's clothes throwing them out the window, to turn around the block and do it again..... I've done it and let me tell you, it was as adventurous as it was freeing. I mean sure the end result was a brick through my windshield... But just the same, really the only thing you could do was throw a brick through my windshield??? I just decorated the street with your $300.00 jeans, in front of your friends and your bitch.... silly fucker, I one up'd your ass....
Say someone is talking shit about you online... You know people like that... The facebook tough guys. Most mature individuals think "I'm not going to respond, because if I respond it is only going to worsen the situation, it will go away if I ignore it" Now if you would have thought "W.W.P.D?" After that bitch was making you look like trash, you would have responded... No you wouldn't have just responded. You would have verbally raped that bitch with a sincerity that would have left her on the phone with her mother sobbing until early morning. How dare that skank bash you online.... Bet she wouldn't say shit to you if you were in public. By not responding you are allowing her to bend you over, pull your hair and fuck you right in the ass.... Now, if you are into being treated like a $2.00 whore, by all means, allow her to continue her rant. However, I am a Madam, I don't get pimped out, I do the pimping. I would make her feel so low that she would temporarily "delete" her fb our of pure embarrassment.
Next situation.... We have all had this happen to us. We are at the bar. ((yup alcohol is involved)) So you know the girls who normally are so scared to yell at a girl they would rather publicly shit themselves and have it announced than get into an altercation, are all of the sudden a fuckin super hero. Her objective this evening is embarrass someone... Why not let it be you. You don't look very intimidating, she thinks she has this one in the bag so she starts shit with you for no reason. Being the mature adult, you ask her to walk away, she doesn't, so you have decided that you are going to avoid the drama and walk away yourself. Now, you may have done the mature "right" thing.... However if you would have "W.W.P.D?" you would have allowed her to finish her sentence, you may even allow her to finish her shot... When she does, you pop that bitch right in her mouth. I mean you punch her so hard you are hoping when you pull your hand back that you have a mouth full of dental work! Now you step back and think.... GODDAMN THAT FELT GOOD. Had you walked away, you would have been humiliated.
Next time you aren't sure quite what to do.... Just "W.W.P.D?"
If that doesn't work...... Let me know and I will "W.W.P.D?' For you..... Why you might ask? Because I am a goddamn vigilante!
Sticking up for every mother fucker who needs it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxox
For instance, you walk in on your significant other with another person. Most women would fume internally or flip shit, but not enough. If you would have channelled your inner Paula you would have drove down the road with a truck full of that man's clothes throwing them out the window, to turn around the block and do it again..... I've done it and let me tell you, it was as adventurous as it was freeing. I mean sure the end result was a brick through my windshield... But just the same, really the only thing you could do was throw a brick through my windshield??? I just decorated the street with your $300.00 jeans, in front of your friends and your bitch.... silly fucker, I one up'd your ass....
Say someone is talking shit about you online... You know people like that... The facebook tough guys. Most mature individuals think "I'm not going to respond, because if I respond it is only going to worsen the situation, it will go away if I ignore it" Now if you would have thought "W.W.P.D?" After that bitch was making you look like trash, you would have responded... No you wouldn't have just responded. You would have verbally raped that bitch with a sincerity that would have left her on the phone with her mother sobbing until early morning. How dare that skank bash you online.... Bet she wouldn't say shit to you if you were in public. By not responding you are allowing her to bend you over, pull your hair and fuck you right in the ass.... Now, if you are into being treated like a $2.00 whore, by all means, allow her to continue her rant. However, I am a Madam, I don't get pimped out, I do the pimping. I would make her feel so low that she would temporarily "delete" her fb our of pure embarrassment.
Next situation.... We have all had this happen to us. We are at the bar. ((yup alcohol is involved)) So you know the girls who normally are so scared to yell at a girl they would rather publicly shit themselves and have it announced than get into an altercation, are all of the sudden a fuckin super hero. Her objective this evening is embarrass someone... Why not let it be you. You don't look very intimidating, she thinks she has this one in the bag so she starts shit with you for no reason. Being the mature adult, you ask her to walk away, she doesn't, so you have decided that you are going to avoid the drama and walk away yourself. Now, you may have done the mature "right" thing.... However if you would have "W.W.P.D?" you would have allowed her to finish her sentence, you may even allow her to finish her shot... When she does, you pop that bitch right in her mouth. I mean you punch her so hard you are hoping when you pull your hand back that you have a mouth full of dental work! Now you step back and think.... GODDAMN THAT FELT GOOD. Had you walked away, you would have been humiliated.
Next time you aren't sure quite what to do.... Just "W.W.P.D?"
If that doesn't work...... Let me know and I will "W.W.P.D?' For you..... Why you might ask? Because I am a goddamn vigilante!
Sticking up for every mother fucker who needs it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxox
Monday, December 3, 2012
Why have one when you can have them all?
I had just turned 17 and had broken up with a boyfriend... ((big fuckin deal)) but at that time my heart was broken. My Dad and I were on our way to a movie (daddy daughter date) and we began talking about how I was upset. Papa bear being the straight shooter the world knows him to be, takes my hand while he is driving and says " I know that it hurts honey, but your beautiful and everyone wants to be around you.... So why have one when you can have them all"
Now, you are probably thinking.... Who the fuck tells their daughter that. I don't think he meant go be a skankadilly hooker bitch. I think that he was trying to explain to me that I was 17, I've got my whole life ahead of me. Why have one, you can have them all. You can hold the entire world in your hands. However, I must say I spent the next several years figuring out exactly what that meant.... Because at first I took it in it's literal terms.... Like shhhiiiiit if my Papa doesn't care, neither do I... And then the fucking spree began. I'd like to say I was only searching for myself, searching for love... but I wasn't, I was just searching for that next hit... you know when a heroin fiend is looking for her next hit of the black tar to inject to her veins for 20 minutes of euphoria? Yeah I found that satisfaction what, I compare to a 22 yr old male porn stars, sexual appetite. Only thing is those lucky bastards get paid for it.
Anyhow, as I began getting older (notice I didn't use the word mature) I began yearning for more. Something of substance.... I wish that I could be telling you that I was looking for a substance to abuse... But I mean relationships, pardon me while I vomit.... Okay, I'm back. The world wind relationships I found myself involved in, were..... well they were shit. I took 2 years off from the dating scene to just reflect on myself, gain a vast knowledge of who I was, where I was going and what I wouldn't stand for.
So yeah I went on this adventure of finding one's self... It's really boring and I'm not going to bother you with the details..Anyhow so although not truly ready to hit the dating scene and against better judgement, I did. It ended up with me wanting more... To make a relationship official... And well he wasn't ready... Instead of turning into a hot fuckin mess... I mean we have to remember I was only a "friend" I summond my internal wisdom and thought.... " I know that it hurts honey, but your beautiful and everyone wants to be around you.... So why have one when you can have them all"
This time at least I know what it means... thankfully, I would prefer not to wear out the plumbing....
Happy to be free,
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxo
Now, you are probably thinking.... Who the fuck tells their daughter that. I don't think he meant go be a skankadilly hooker bitch. I think that he was trying to explain to me that I was 17, I've got my whole life ahead of me. Why have one, you can have them all. You can hold the entire world in your hands. However, I must say I spent the next several years figuring out exactly what that meant.... Because at first I took it in it's literal terms.... Like shhhiiiiit if my Papa doesn't care, neither do I... And then the fucking spree began. I'd like to say I was only searching for myself, searching for love... but I wasn't, I was just searching for that next hit... you know when a heroin fiend is looking for her next hit of the black tar to inject to her veins for 20 minutes of euphoria? Yeah I found that satisfaction what, I compare to a 22 yr old male porn stars, sexual appetite. Only thing is those lucky bastards get paid for it.
Anyhow, as I began getting older (notice I didn't use the word mature) I began yearning for more. Something of substance.... I wish that I could be telling you that I was looking for a substance to abuse... But I mean relationships, pardon me while I vomit.... Okay, I'm back. The world wind relationships I found myself involved in, were..... well they were shit. I took 2 years off from the dating scene to just reflect on myself, gain a vast knowledge of who I was, where I was going and what I wouldn't stand for.
So yeah I went on this adventure of finding one's self... It's really boring and I'm not going to bother you with the details..Anyhow so although not truly ready to hit the dating scene and against better judgement, I did. It ended up with me wanting more... To make a relationship official... And well he wasn't ready... Instead of turning into a hot fuckin mess... I mean we have to remember I was only a "friend" I summond my internal wisdom and thought.... " I know that it hurts honey, but your beautiful and everyone wants to be around you.... So why have one when you can have them all"
This time at least I know what it means... thankfully, I would prefer not to wear out the plumbing....
Happy to be free,
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxo
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Moron's with shit in common AKA Best Friends
Apparently today is the day to give thanks and introduce you to who I really and what really makes me tick. Well outside of shoes and rhinestones. Do you ever wonder..... How the fuck are the two of us assholes best friends???? What road did we travel that the two of us, who at first glance don't have anything in common, became BEST FUCKING FRIENDS???? Well I got me a couple of those.
Like for instance. Candace. She is my EXACT opposite. She calls us Ying and Yang. Beautiful black chick with the soul of a white woman. And then my transparrent ass with the soul of a black man. She is pretty reserved, polite, sweet, justifiably the girl that everyone hates because at first glance you think the bitch has it all and is absolutely perfect.... Yeah that's her, how she wound up with me as her best friend, I don't even have the answer for you. She's a P.E.T.A. lover environmentalist type.... Free spirited and unshakable, because she feels like everyone is entitled to their own opions... Where I feel everyone is entitled to my opion.... however, we have found common ground to form a friendship that pretty much is perfectly us.
Then there is Dezi..... really not so opposite at all. Thelma and Louise 100% of the time. You know normal people would encourage their friend to think shit through.... Do the right thing.... BLAH BLAH BLAH nope not us... she wants to rob a bank, I'm buying the ski masks. Thankfully I found her..... I was tired of being down as hell for myself all the time... now I can be down for her and she can be down for me : ) We have this understanding..... NEVER ASK QUESTIONS. Just roll with the flow..... Let me tell you... This friendship is filled with excitement.... I'd like to blog about situations that we have been in but I'd feel like the F.B.I would be waking me up in the morning with a 101 questions and I have to work....
Brandon... AKA B Boy. He really gets my sense of humor. I mean I remember one time we were at his Mom's house and my oldest son wanted to go in the pool which was fine, so he got his swim suit on, slowly climbed down the ladder until he got about 1/2 and then jumped in, he then came popping out of the water gasping for air and flailing around without rhyme or reason, Brandon's sister looks at me like she is going to shit her pants, his mom looks like WTF Bitch jump in and save him... Meanwhile I am laughing so hard that I nearly lose piss and I call out to him "Stand up".... So he does and then says "Oh" with a look of absolute embarassment. I mean most people would have shook their head or been like wtf... Nope not B... He laughed because I found it hysterical but he understood why I thought it was so funny.... Or the other night, we were talking on the telle. ((we don't hold back we talk about everything)) and he just had his second child, my goddaughter, and we were talking about him bangin his wife and he said "oh no, we haven't had sex" so I'm all "WTF" and he says "She goes to get the IUD next week and after that It's on" --- I feel like I should let you know now, this mother fucker got her pregnant.... she had their first daughter and literally WEEKS NOT MONTHS after their first born.... she is pregnant with my god baby... technically she has been pregnant 2 yrs---- Back to the IUD Convo - "Well yeah you guys will have sex as long as her libido doesn't fall" he says "oh well that's not going to happen" I say... "well even if it does just wait til she is sleeping and sneak it in.... the hole will still be good if she is sleeping" I don't think I laughed so hard at myself in my entire life. Just the same he could have been like whoa whoa whoa whoa bitch, that's my wife's vagina we are talking about... no... he laughed, thankfully she is AWESOME and sort of a dirty lil bitch like me...
Then there is Chris..................... Rico Suave- the ladies man- You'd think I would hate "that guy" but I don't. After he allows you in.... you get to see that everyone needs the pretty boy as a friend to remind you that they aren't just a beautiful face. After Tin Man got his heart, if he would have met Chris he would have went into cardiovascular failure. Chris' heart is HUGE. I mean I know I have a lil place in there and I still secretly hate him for being so loving!
Best Friends don'e always mean that you have to be one in the same.... It just means that you are a couple of morons with shit in common
Enjoying my
Best Friends
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Like for instance. Candace. She is my EXACT opposite. She calls us Ying and Yang. Beautiful black chick with the soul of a white woman. And then my transparrent ass with the soul of a black man. She is pretty reserved, polite, sweet, justifiably the girl that everyone hates because at first glance you think the bitch has it all and is absolutely perfect.... Yeah that's her, how she wound up with me as her best friend, I don't even have the answer for you. She's a P.E.T.A. lover environmentalist type.... Free spirited and unshakable, because she feels like everyone is entitled to their own opions... Where I feel everyone is entitled to my opion.... however, we have found common ground to form a friendship that pretty much is perfectly us.
Then there is Dezi..... really not so opposite at all. Thelma and Louise 100% of the time. You know normal people would encourage their friend to think shit through.... Do the right thing.... BLAH BLAH BLAH nope not us... she wants to rob a bank, I'm buying the ski masks. Thankfully I found her..... I was tired of being down as hell for myself all the time... now I can be down for her and she can be down for me : ) We have this understanding..... NEVER ASK QUESTIONS. Just roll with the flow..... Let me tell you... This friendship is filled with excitement.... I'd like to blog about situations that we have been in but I'd feel like the F.B.I would be waking me up in the morning with a 101 questions and I have to work....
Brandon... AKA B Boy. He really gets my sense of humor. I mean I remember one time we were at his Mom's house and my oldest son wanted to go in the pool which was fine, so he got his swim suit on, slowly climbed down the ladder until he got about 1/2 and then jumped in, he then came popping out of the water gasping for air and flailing around without rhyme or reason, Brandon's sister looks at me like she is going to shit her pants, his mom looks like WTF Bitch jump in and save him... Meanwhile I am laughing so hard that I nearly lose piss and I call out to him "Stand up".... So he does and then says "Oh" with a look of absolute embarassment. I mean most people would have shook their head or been like wtf... Nope not B... He laughed because I found it hysterical but he understood why I thought it was so funny.... Or the other night, we were talking on the telle. ((we don't hold back we talk about everything)) and he just had his second child, my goddaughter, and we were talking about him bangin his wife and he said "oh no, we haven't had sex" so I'm all "WTF" and he says "She goes to get the IUD next week and after that It's on" --- I feel like I should let you know now, this mother fucker got her pregnant.... she had their first daughter and literally WEEKS NOT MONTHS after their first born.... she is pregnant with my god baby... technically she has been pregnant 2 yrs---- Back to the IUD Convo - "Well yeah you guys will have sex as long as her libido doesn't fall" he says "oh well that's not going to happen" I say... "well even if it does just wait til she is sleeping and sneak it in.... the hole will still be good if she is sleeping" I don't think I laughed so hard at myself in my entire life. Just the same he could have been like whoa whoa whoa whoa bitch, that's my wife's vagina we are talking about... no... he laughed, thankfully she is AWESOME and sort of a dirty lil bitch like me...
Then there is Chris..................... Rico Suave- the ladies man- You'd think I would hate "that guy" but I don't. After he allows you in.... you get to see that everyone needs the pretty boy as a friend to remind you that they aren't just a beautiful face. After Tin Man got his heart, if he would have met Chris he would have went into cardiovascular failure. Chris' heart is HUGE. I mean I know I have a lil place in there and I still secretly hate him for being so loving!
Best Friends don'e always mean that you have to be one in the same.... It just means that you are a couple of morons with shit in common
Enjoying my
Best Friends
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
God gives you siblings that your parents forgot to procreate
I come from a family of 4. My Dad, Mom, little sister and myself. I've always felt growing up that I was missing something..... like the rest of my family. Until I met the siblings that God intended me to have... But my parents forgot to procreate : )
I have an older brother.... He's pretty phenominal if I do say so myself. Honestly I would have to say that he is my #1 fan. As soon as he found out that my passion is found in words, writing, wanting to write a book, he has been promoting me even before I began the adventure. Telling people to look for me. I don't think that he realized one night we were out and about.... Doing what we do... BOSSIN it up.... And I'm talking to someone and over hear him say....
Mike- "you friends with my sister on facebook"
Friend - "No I'm not"
Mike - "well you should..... she speaks real shit.... she is goin to write a book, I keep tellin her she need to. when she does, you will see what I'm talkin about, she will do big things. That's why I call her the Boss"
For your support regardless if I am aware of it or not, Mike, I will forever be thankful. My Mama and Papa Bear may not have given me my big brother..... But God made sure I found him. From you I learn that strength and the conviction of myself is a trait that is endearing and necessary in surviving my dreams. Thank you for being my personal cheerleader. ILU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a younger brother, Marky. He is me.... with a penis LOL Inappropriate, hysterical, passionate, kind, and loyal. I take my role as his big sister, with a sincerity that is unexplained. I have been friends with him since we were 5 yrs old. Now 27 and still the two best friends that anyone could ever have. What I have learned from him was that life is too short to take too seriously and it's okay to be who you are no matter where you are or who you are in front of. The admiration of others will be earned by being you through and through. ILU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, the baby of the group. Shannon aka Nay Nay. She isn't innocent, nor is she naive, but she is the baby and we all treat her as such. When she hurts I feel an urge to make the person who hurt her hurt too. She has a heart of gold. Would do anything for anyone no matter the sacrifice she may have to make.... Sometimes I encourage her to stop giving a fuck so much. Although, this advice I give her is in a way my attempt to ease her pain and prevent her from making the same mistakes, the amount of love her heart holds is one that many should be envious of. There aren't too many people in life that you meet that would genuinely give you the money in their wallet, the shirt off of their back or the shoes on their feet to make one day of your life easier. From her, I learn to love without regret. ILU
Today I am thankful not only for my family but for all of you.....
without all of you, I wouldn't have purpose to continue my dreams
Loving all of you
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxox
I have an older brother.... He's pretty phenominal if I do say so myself. Honestly I would have to say that he is my #1 fan. As soon as he found out that my passion is found in words, writing, wanting to write a book, he has been promoting me even before I began the adventure. Telling people to look for me. I don't think that he realized one night we were out and about.... Doing what we do... BOSSIN it up.... And I'm talking to someone and over hear him say....
Mike- "you friends with my sister on facebook"
Friend - "No I'm not"
Mike - "well you should..... she speaks real shit.... she is goin to write a book, I keep tellin her she need to. when she does, you will see what I'm talkin about, she will do big things. That's why I call her the Boss"
For your support regardless if I am aware of it or not, Mike, I will forever be thankful. My Mama and Papa Bear may not have given me my big brother..... But God made sure I found him. From you I learn that strength and the conviction of myself is a trait that is endearing and necessary in surviving my dreams. Thank you for being my personal cheerleader. ILU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a younger brother, Marky. He is me.... with a penis LOL Inappropriate, hysterical, passionate, kind, and loyal. I take my role as his big sister, with a sincerity that is unexplained. I have been friends with him since we were 5 yrs old. Now 27 and still the two best friends that anyone could ever have. What I have learned from him was that life is too short to take too seriously and it's okay to be who you are no matter where you are or who you are in front of. The admiration of others will be earned by being you through and through. ILU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, the baby of the group. Shannon aka Nay Nay. She isn't innocent, nor is she naive, but she is the baby and we all treat her as such. When she hurts I feel an urge to make the person who hurt her hurt too. She has a heart of gold. Would do anything for anyone no matter the sacrifice she may have to make.... Sometimes I encourage her to stop giving a fuck so much. Although, this advice I give her is in a way my attempt to ease her pain and prevent her from making the same mistakes, the amount of love her heart holds is one that many should be envious of. There aren't too many people in life that you meet that would genuinely give you the money in their wallet, the shirt off of their back or the shoes on their feet to make one day of your life easier. From her, I learn to love without regret. ILU
Today I am thankful not only for my family but for all of you.....
without all of you, I wouldn't have purpose to continue my dreams
Loving all of you
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxox
I am my sisters keeper
This is an oad to all the sisters out there that with out a doubt believe in your sibling. I have been blessed in monumental proportions, with a sister that loves me without judgement and without end.
I've been told several times that the relationship that I have with my little (2 yrs 4 months younger) sister is envied amongst the masses. She is hands down my very best friend. The love that I have for her comes from my vcry soul. Before I had children, I was certain that I wouldn't be able to love someone else as much as I love her. She has been there every step of the way throughout my life. Even when I make, less than favorable decisions, she doesn't pass judgement, she only grabs my hand and walks through both the blessings in life as well as the tribulations that have helped to mold my character. Without her, I would be a completely different person.
I recall that there was a young man who was courting her for a length of time.... They broke up, as devastating as it was, because she was young and you know young love is one unlike any other. He decided it would be one of his better ideas, to call her a whore and talk shit about her... Forgetting that her sister was a complete psycho when it came to her obviously.... So at school the next day.... Walking down the hallway to class, I happen to pass upon the little bastart. I throw my books down, grab his ass ((much taller than I, might I add) by the neck and throw him up against the lockers and start choking him.... none the less the message was received, not to fuck with my sister..... Most would say that this was a little over the top, not I, I had a bond with my sister that was like none other, that I would risk getting my ass into trouble for her... Regardless of consequence. Those who know us.... Are well aware of many other situations in which a bit of physical reinforcement was given to say "hey.... fuck with mine and I'll go all Miami FL on your ass and eat your face... NO BATH SALTS NEEDED"
They say that twins have a bond that is unmeasurable.... I feel that my sister and I have that bond, sure we didn't enter the world at the same time.... That's probably because when our souls were deciding on when to reenter the world, I was like, we could go together but things look a lil iffy, let me go first and get situated and then I will call upon you when ready.
If you have a sister that you love with an eternal endearment make sure to thank the Lord, make sure that you tell them regularly that you love them, make sure that they know when life gets unbearable, that your shoulders are strong enough to carry some of the weight for them.
(((AGAPE)))
Loving all the sisters in the world to the moon and back
Your personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxo
I've been told several times that the relationship that I have with my little (2 yrs 4 months younger) sister is envied amongst the masses. She is hands down my very best friend. The love that I have for her comes from my vcry soul. Before I had children, I was certain that I wouldn't be able to love someone else as much as I love her. She has been there every step of the way throughout my life. Even when I make, less than favorable decisions, she doesn't pass judgement, she only grabs my hand and walks through both the blessings in life as well as the tribulations that have helped to mold my character. Without her, I would be a completely different person.
I recall that there was a young man who was courting her for a length of time.... They broke up, as devastating as it was, because she was young and you know young love is one unlike any other. He decided it would be one of his better ideas, to call her a whore and talk shit about her... Forgetting that her sister was a complete psycho when it came to her obviously.... So at school the next day.... Walking down the hallway to class, I happen to pass upon the little bastart. I throw my books down, grab his ass ((much taller than I, might I add) by the neck and throw him up against the lockers and start choking him.... none the less the message was received, not to fuck with my sister..... Most would say that this was a little over the top, not I, I had a bond with my sister that was like none other, that I would risk getting my ass into trouble for her... Regardless of consequence. Those who know us.... Are well aware of many other situations in which a bit of physical reinforcement was given to say "hey.... fuck with mine and I'll go all Miami FL on your ass and eat your face... NO BATH SALTS NEEDED"
They say that twins have a bond that is unmeasurable.... I feel that my sister and I have that bond, sure we didn't enter the world at the same time.... That's probably because when our souls were deciding on when to reenter the world, I was like, we could go together but things look a lil iffy, let me go first and get situated and then I will call upon you when ready.
If you have a sister that you love with an eternal endearment make sure to thank the Lord, make sure that you tell them regularly that you love them, make sure that they know when life gets unbearable, that your shoulders are strong enough to carry some of the weight for them.
(((AGAPE)))
Loving all the sisters in the world to the moon and back
Your personal Madam
xoxoxoxoxo
Celebrity Shit Talk
You know I recently had a pretty intense conversation with one of my dearest friends about this topic. People talking shit about celebrities. It's fuckin disgusting. For instance Jessica Simpson's baby bikini skandal. Well at least that was what 1/2 the goddamn ignorant world look at it ask.... A fuckin skandal. People in an uproar about this baby wearing a bikini??? I mean really??? But no one was upset that there was a grown ass woman running the beach in the same goddamn bikini that the baby was wearing? No, no comments there? Or when a celebrity, typically actors, lose a little wait ((generally for a role)) and holy hell they are anorexic, family is breaking down, confused on what to do, sending her to rehab..... Or the opposite, maybe they gained a lil weight, like 5.7 lbs and that bitch is pregnant. Really 5.7 lbs and you think that's a baby bump? I take shits bigger than the amount of weight that the bitch gained and no one seems to have a problem.... I feel like there should be someone who is on the opposite end of the spectrum sticking up for these people. Certainly no one is perfect, that we can all agree. But there should be a certain someone who sticks up for these entertainers against people like... Perez Hilton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just threw up in my mouth thinking about the moron. I mean of all people to idiolize yourself so much that you create a stage name around, you chose Paris Hilton???????? So when you were growing up and you thought God, there is only one bitch in the entire universe that i am able to find empowerment by, you chose Paris Hilton? You chose to idiolize someone who's career was a reality sitcom with her bff and then a bad home video of her giving her boyfriend head? I mean there is a fine line of absolutely pathetic and verge of retardation here. And then................... people sincerly look to him for celebrity gossip??? Honestly, this man talks about people gaining weight, when he was a fat. Then talks shit about people losing weight, which now he is no longer a fat because he decided to lose weight (great for you and your health.... I'm happy you decided you were going to grace the world with your presence for longer - sigh) so technically we should start the rumor that he has struggled with anorexia his whole life and from idiolizing Paris Hilton he decided to shed his man boobs to loose weight so that we would stop mistaking him for Paris' fatter uglier older sister. I get it, a man has to make a living, I do, everything is for the rating... I got it.... But seriously celebrity bashing? Other than 45 seconds of face time, what are you getting from it? And then once they find out that your speculation is completely bullshit are you worried that your credibility will be tarnished or are you banking that society as a whole is filled with minon like morons that are bound to hang on your every word??
I guess moral of the story is to all the Perez Hilton's in the world, Bullying isn't going to get you anywhere, especially when you meet someone who isn't brainwashed by your bullshit and has a backbone to stick up to you for attempting to make others look bad at the expense of your stardom.... Pathetic, bottom feeding skank fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Middle finger to all the bullies,
Your Madam
xoxoxoxox
I guess moral of the story is to all the Perez Hilton's in the world, Bullying isn't going to get you anywhere, especially when you meet someone who isn't brainwashed by your bullshit and has a backbone to stick up to you for attempting to make others look bad at the expense of your stardom.... Pathetic, bottom feeding skank fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Middle finger to all the bullies,
Your Madam
xoxoxoxox
Baby Mama Drama...
Yes, that's right..... my inbox was flooded with much love for the D.B.B.D. blog but request to address the baby mama drama epidemic. Now, as a mother of two doing this solo 100% of the time, I pity no mother. Reason is, we were bread to survive, evolve and prosper. However, there are those B.M's out there putting the reputation of ALL single B.M's to shame by complete ignorance. Now, I understand the occassional shit talking session with your girlfriends..... It's to be expected. In moderation.
For instance, if you have a B.D. that is and has been trying to see his child, coughs up money whenever an unexpected necessity may pop up, breaks plans on his night off because an opportunity has come up for you and you need a sitter, is present for each event of your child's life (i.e. kindergarten graduation, sporting events, holiday programs, dr's appointments, ect...) stop what you are doing and give thanks to that man. Sure you may not be his biggest fan, you may think he is a moron or a dueche bag, but your kid has a dad. Stop making his life so hard, consider yourself fuckin lucky. If he tries to do all these things, and because you are on a control ride, you need to be dropped kicked in the face. It is your obligation as a mother to provide your child with safety, love and happiness. Now stop for a second.... Did you just honestly think to yourself that by keeping your child from their father that you were providing them with the 3 things mentioned? If so, you're an idiot. I am hoping, that you, as I did, had a father that was present. A father that committed himself to you as a parent and supported your every dream, regardless how unrealistic he internally thought it may be. If you didn't, I am sorry for you, however, if you had, stop and think for one moment, where would you be if your mother made it impossible for him to be apart of your life, because she was honestly petty enough to allow her hatred cease the existance of your first love.
If you are worried that your B.D's new bitch will win the love of your child, you should be thankful that your child is comfortable enough to be around her.... she could be a cunt and make his life miserable, besides your child will NEVER love her the way they love you.... It's impossible.
There are women out there who are envious of women who have B.D's who give two shits fuck about their kids..... Regardless if it is in two seperate homes, children were meant to be loved and raised by two parents. Just remember when raising your kids what you could do differently from your childhood or give your children that you were missing growing up, to make your child a better person than you are. Teach them to love, not to exude hatred.
Ladies, try to give em a break.... They aren't perfect they are learning as are you to parent, if you don't give them the opportunity, they will never learn.....
Let your heart go.....
Your personal Madam
xoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxox
For instance, if you have a B.D. that is and has been trying to see his child, coughs up money whenever an unexpected necessity may pop up, breaks plans on his night off because an opportunity has come up for you and you need a sitter, is present for each event of your child's life (i.e. kindergarten graduation, sporting events, holiday programs, dr's appointments, ect...) stop what you are doing and give thanks to that man. Sure you may not be his biggest fan, you may think he is a moron or a dueche bag, but your kid has a dad. Stop making his life so hard, consider yourself fuckin lucky. If he tries to do all these things, and because you are on a control ride, you need to be dropped kicked in the face. It is your obligation as a mother to provide your child with safety, love and happiness. Now stop for a second.... Did you just honestly think to yourself that by keeping your child from their father that you were providing them with the 3 things mentioned? If so, you're an idiot. I am hoping, that you, as I did, had a father that was present. A father that committed himself to you as a parent and supported your every dream, regardless how unrealistic he internally thought it may be. If you didn't, I am sorry for you, however, if you had, stop and think for one moment, where would you be if your mother made it impossible for him to be apart of your life, because she was honestly petty enough to allow her hatred cease the existance of your first love.
If you are worried that your B.D's new bitch will win the love of your child, you should be thankful that your child is comfortable enough to be around her.... she could be a cunt and make his life miserable, besides your child will NEVER love her the way they love you.... It's impossible.
There are women out there who are envious of women who have B.D's who give two shits fuck about their kids..... Regardless if it is in two seperate homes, children were meant to be loved and raised by two parents. Just remember when raising your kids what you could do differently from your childhood or give your children that you were missing growing up, to make your child a better person than you are. Teach them to love, not to exude hatred.
Ladies, try to give em a break.... They aren't perfect they are learning as are you to parent, if you don't give them the opportunity, they will never learn.....
Let your heart go.....
Your personal Madam
xoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxox
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Love vs. Vagina
Why does it seem, after years of history teaching us the do's and dont's of love, do we continue to follow the same damning path in love as our ancestors?? For the confusion of love I blame vagina.... You could 100% be into your man, but then bam your vagina gets in the way. I mean I've heard before that as human beings we weren't meant to be monogamous, I'm not sure how true I believe that to be. There are people who can do it... I'm sure those same woman are in their showers right now closing their eyes, putting the shower head on fierce pulsate and day dreaming about that sick hot guy at the video store.... but just the same.
Ladies, I know we have allllll been in that position, where you adore your man, oooooh he could be perfect too. Handsome. Gentle. Humorous. Chivalrous. He could have your heart too..... But you and your girls go out, and your vagina has a seperate agenda that it apparently wasn't going to let you in on. You're doin shots. Dancing with your girls looking cutesy custesy. And then, he walks across the dance floor looking at you as if your vagina is whispering sweet nothings. He finally gets the courage to come talk to you.... And all the sudden..... YOU TELL HIM YOU'RE SINGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I'm not saying that you do anything, neccessarily, however you just sold this man his first dream of the night. Now you know secretly, you like the attention. But why? Your man is attentive to all your needs..... For this I blame the vagina.
Okay, so you didn't fuck..... But still you know you was wrong for that right.... But let your man do the same thing! Now, you have flipped shit. He was that guy checking out another bitch at the club like her vagina was whispering sweet nothings to him. You find out. Now you throwin this mans clothes in the front yard, you done keyed his car, slashed his tires, burning his clothes like a scene of a bad boot leg movie. For this firey mess you have created I blame Love. You let the love you have for him, although he didnt do anything, fuck with your head. Hey I'm not judging I been that bitch. Ooooooo weeeee have I been that bitch. Looking like a fool because this dude was on some other shit, even though he didn't touch her vagina. Love got the best of you and now you look not only insane but unstable.
Ladies, we damned if we do and damned if we don't..... It's a constant battle of Love vs. Vagina.....
This brought to you... by your one.... your only....
Fabulous Madam
xoxoxoxo
Ladies, I know we have allllll been in that position, where you adore your man, oooooh he could be perfect too. Handsome. Gentle. Humorous. Chivalrous. He could have your heart too..... But you and your girls go out, and your vagina has a seperate agenda that it apparently wasn't going to let you in on. You're doin shots. Dancing with your girls looking cutesy custesy. And then, he walks across the dance floor looking at you as if your vagina is whispering sweet nothings. He finally gets the courage to come talk to you.... And all the sudden..... YOU TELL HIM YOU'RE SINGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I'm not saying that you do anything, neccessarily, however you just sold this man his first dream of the night. Now you know secretly, you like the attention. But why? Your man is attentive to all your needs..... For this I blame the vagina.
Okay, so you didn't fuck..... But still you know you was wrong for that right.... But let your man do the same thing! Now, you have flipped shit. He was that guy checking out another bitch at the club like her vagina was whispering sweet nothings to him. You find out. Now you throwin this mans clothes in the front yard, you done keyed his car, slashed his tires, burning his clothes like a scene of a bad boot leg movie. For this firey mess you have created I blame Love. You let the love you have for him, although he didnt do anything, fuck with your head. Hey I'm not judging I been that bitch. Ooooooo weeeee have I been that bitch. Looking like a fool because this dude was on some other shit, even though he didn't touch her vagina. Love got the best of you and now you look not only insane but unstable.
Ladies, we damned if we do and damned if we don't..... It's a constant battle of Love vs. Vagina.....
This brought to you... by your one.... your only....
Fabulous Madam
xoxoxoxo
Shall we shed some light upon the topic of D.B.B.D's ???? For those of you unfamiliar with the achronym allow me to spell it out for you and get you up to speed... DEAD BEAT BABY DADDY'S.... ((((CHURCH)))) Now, before I get to preaching.... and I will.... This isn't directed to single fathers, or single fathers who's baby mama's are impossible, I get it those bitches can be ratchet... A D.B.B.D. is a sorry pathetic excuse not just for a man but for a "Dad".... You know the type... Like when they first tell you they have a baby on the way, you get a look on your face of shock, like you just shit your pants and don't wanna tell anyone you did it.... Like really God, of all the gifts you could have given the world, you made HIM a Dad?
Let me direct the next paragraph to those D.B.B.D's reading this blog right now..... If you don't know what color your child's eyes are.... You don't know what their favorite snack is... What cartoon shuts them up for 15 minutes (long enough for mom to take a shower) You haven't seen your child in years.... You won't get a job cause "that bitch won't get you for child support"...... Kill yourself. Simple as that. Do the world a favor. Is there realllllly something so important missing from your life that you would neglect what should be your reason for living? (((coughing to clear my throat))) At least I know, that while I am living and breathing I will be able to do what your parent(s) couldn't with you... I'm going to raise mine as will the strong bad ass single mothers will, to be men.... A man like my father, unbreakable, unmistakably the best man in the entire world.
As much as we bitch about it though, not only are we, however the kids are better off.... I'd rather not have to spend the majority of my time trying to break the terrible habits they may pick up from D.B.B.D's... Like laziness.... Pick up your dirty underloo's off the floor... I don't get paid to do your laundry.... I only do it because I'm worried you would fuck up my washer....
Let me direct the next paragraph to those D.B.B.D's reading this blog right now..... If you don't know what color your child's eyes are.... You don't know what their favorite snack is... What cartoon shuts them up for 15 minutes (long enough for mom to take a shower) You haven't seen your child in years.... You won't get a job cause "that bitch won't get you for child support"...... Kill yourself. Simple as that. Do the world a favor. Is there realllllly something so important missing from your life that you would neglect what should be your reason for living? (((coughing to clear my throat))) At least I know, that while I am living and breathing I will be able to do what your parent(s) couldn't with you... I'm going to raise mine as will the strong bad ass single mothers will, to be men.... A man like my father, unbreakable, unmistakably the best man in the entire world.
As much as we bitch about it though, not only are we, however the kids are better off.... I'd rather not have to spend the majority of my time trying to break the terrible habits they may pick up from D.B.B.D's... Like laziness.... Pick up your dirty underloo's off the floor... I don't get paid to do your laundry.... I only do it because I'm worried you would fuck up my washer....
It's been a passion of mine, as long as I can remember anyhow, to be apart of the world that allows us to become anyone we want to be, go to any place in or out of this world. The world of writing.
You may be asking yourself why in the hell would she name her site "My Life as a Madam", no I do not run a brothel.... However, my view on this life is that you have to smack that bitch and take what you want. If you want things done, you can't be the whore, you have to be the Madam. Make the world your bitch and use her to your advantage. With that said, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Paula, I'm 27 years old and I am severely opinionated. Most struggle with trying to wrap their head around the fact that I am a woman with the mindset and mouth of a pissed off truck driver. However, here at "My Life as a Madam" I encourage to be you. It was best said by the ingenious Dr. Seuss "There is no one youer than you" And there has never been and never will be anyone me-er than me.
Take a seat, enjoy the ride..... I promise, not to be gentle.... But to be stimulating.
xoxo
Your personal Madam
You may be asking yourself why in the hell would she name her site "My Life as a Madam", no I do not run a brothel.... However, my view on this life is that you have to smack that bitch and take what you want. If you want things done, you can't be the whore, you have to be the Madam. Make the world your bitch and use her to your advantage. With that said, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Paula, I'm 27 years old and I am severely opinionated. Most struggle with trying to wrap their head around the fact that I am a woman with the mindset and mouth of a pissed off truck driver. However, here at "My Life as a Madam" I encourage to be you. It was best said by the ingenious Dr. Seuss "There is no one youer than you" And there has never been and never will be anyone me-er than me.
Take a seat, enjoy the ride..... I promise, not to be gentle.... But to be stimulating.
xoxo
Your personal Madam
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