Opionated Little Bitch... Why Yes, I am. Fuck you very much!

Opinionated little bitch.... Why yes, I am. Fuck you very much! If you don't want to hear what the fuck I have to say, then why do you frequent my blog so often, that I should get you a My Life As A Madam points card like mother fuckin Speedway?!

Could it possibly be that I have bigger balls than anyone that you know? That I have a free spirit and say what ever comes to my mind? Hmmm maybe it's that my vocabulary intimidates you. I mean if I were you and I was reading my blog, it would frustrate me as well that I would have to sound out words like I was in first grade and need a Webster Dictionary around, to find the meaning to words. Yeah, I guess I would be bitter too. Or maybe, it's because 1/2 of the shit I blog about, or talk shit about, bears relevance to your life. Ooops.

I'm not going to change who I am because you find discomfort in what I have to say. I'm sorry that I am more irritating to you than hemorrhoids. I understand your frustrations. I just don't give a shit. The difference between you and I, is simply that I am strong and you are weak. Each of us has a role in life. Mine is to sit at the time, and shit on haters like you. Silly bitches. If you don't like it... Avoid it. You are unhappy with your life, please don't attempt to place your emotions on me. Let me explain to each of you who read this blog and don't like it. Voice your opinions... It's okay to do so. But please don't be surprised when I verbally rape you in my next blog. I'll name, names. I got it like that. You won't have the courage to do anything about it anyway. It will be funny when you do finally speak up, because my rebuttal will be so sincere that no one will remember what you said or who you even are. Matter of fact, bitch, when I'm done with you. You will close your computer. Roll over, so your face is down in your pillow and cry. Like a 5 year old who's dog just got ran over. I don't talk shit just to talk shit. I talk shit to ruin lives.

And just in case you think that I roll solo.... Don't make that mistake, I got a team unlike any other. When we ride together, we die together. Just know that I have a backing that would make the U.S. Military surrender.

In case you aren't quite sure, yes bitch, you have just been verbally pimped by,
The one,
The only,

Personal Madam

xoxox TRICKS

Facebook is Not a Dating Site

It's become extremely apparent to me that there are a large number of Facebook subscribers are utilizing it's services as a dating site. For this I felt compelled to address.

It clearly indicates on any search engine that Facebook is social utility that connects friends and others who work, study and live around them. There is no information provided that it is to be used for dating services.

Guys are the worst offender of using Facebook as their booty call. Guys, have you not realized that the girl that you are messaging was just two days ago single and all of the sudden she has made it Facebook official that she is in a relationship but there isn't an individual listed as her significant other? This was because you have been persistent long after she had declined the offer for a vast feast or a date to the cinema, creeped her out and now she has a fake relationship.

Now you can "SMH" if you must, however you can thank yourself for the falsified relationship. What happened to the day when you would ask a girl out face to face? Could it be that you possibly don't have the balls to ask her out the old fashioned way? Like calling her perhaps? Or could it be that it is the easiest way for you to hide it from your actual girlfriend?

Whatever the excuse is for using it as a dating service, it's pathetic. How many people can actually say, "I met my husband on Facebook" Not many.... I can assure you of that. If you are genuinely looking for someone to date, I have taken it upon myself to provide you with a list of dating sites, please create a file and leave the ladies alone.

www.eharmony.com
www.zoosk.com
www.match.com
www.plentyoffish.com
www.datehookup.com
www.christianmingle.com
www.kiss.com
www.ourtime.com
www.personals.com
www.okcupid.com
www.perfectmatch.com

This should be of plenty help to those individuals have been sorrowfully trying to use Facebook as a dating network. I'll be quite frank. It's gross. It's creepy. and you aren't going to get laid on facebook, you might get fucked by being told no, but you aren't going to receive a happy ending. Stop trying you look pathetic.

Yours Truly,

Your One and Only Personal Madam
xoxox

This Playa Shit Is Getting Old

Seriously, the playa playa shit is getting really fuckin old. At what point does a man reach when he just says fuckin a ton of bad bitches isn't a problem, it's complete disregard for women. Let's be honest, if it was your Mama who was with a playa and you knew her man was out with another bitch it would be game mother fuckin on.

And don't act naïve like we don't know what's going on here. I mean everyone knows about the dating food chain. You got your wifey, a couple of bitches (treat like they are your girlfriend so they can't be with nobody but you but don't claim em' to anyone but her), a bottom bitch (booty call) & the bitches that you claim are "friends" but really you are keepin them on your team, in case one of your bitches slips up you can promote them up the dating food chain.

See what's funny is that you invented the came, but remember women have the capability of doing the same shit. I'm not saying woman are innocent, but we don't retaliate until we have valid reason to do so. Please remember, when you underestimate the scorn of a woman, you are only setting yourself up for failure.

Your wifey could be the best goddamn girl, cooks, cleans, remains flawlessly beautiful, lady in the streets freak in the sheets... Boss of all Boss's, and yet you feel like it is your God given right to have as many woman as possible. This is why 99% of you end up alone when you get old. There is no way in hell a bitch is going to keep forgiving you. We don't forget SHIT EVER. You really wanna be reminded in every fight how you was banging her friend and her friends cousin the night you said that you were going to watch the game at your boys house? You really want to have to be fearful to go to sleep next to your girl because you know she knows shit and hasn't said anything and are afraid that she might slit your throat and watch you choke on your own blood before calling 911????

If you can't respect the one that you love, how can you be mad when your actions are reciprocated? I'm sorry but if you are dickin down other bitches, your bitch better be getting dicked down by others too. You can't tell her that dick is her dick when the whole hood is getting  a piece of the pie.

There will come a point when she is so hurt that she doesn't want to end the relationship. She is going to do so much dirt and make it known so that you can find out the way that she found out, and YOU can end the relationship. Personally, let me catch mine, ooooooooooooooh Lord Jesus let me catch mine, I'm not going to say shit, I'm going to pretend like everything is glamorous and I'm still in love with him. I'm going to pretend that there isn't a damn thing wrong, even if I am dying inside. I'm going to make sure I hit someone up in your clique. We are going to go out to eat or in public, and Imma take a picture of it and post that bitch on Facebook. Cause let's be honest here, Facebook is a mother fucker. Once it hits facebook, there is no going back.

Ladies, it's time to stand up for ourselves. Tell him that the shit is unacceptable. Let him know that he might thing he is getting away with it but when it happens to him it will cut like a knife to the very core of his soul. Men can do it.... But remember, WOMEN DO IT BETTER. Dude, while you are boo'd up with one of your bitches, and thinking to yourself that you got it good, stop for 2 seconds and think "If I am laid up with this chick, who is my wifey laid up with?"

While you can't make the time for her...... Someone else is waiting for the opportunity.

If she is as badass as myself, there are plenty of gentleman suitors that can't wait for you to fail, to ruin what you have, because at a moments notice they are there to help her pick up the pieces of her broken heart.... And you can only be mad at yourself for the pit in your stomach. THANK YOURSELF FOR PUSHING HER INTO ANOTHER MAN'S ARMS. Don't get pissed at her. Don't talk shit about her. She got fed up. How's that playa shit treating you now??????

Tired of cry babies screaming "I can't believe she....." when you set up the scene for the entire movie.

Forever Holdin Down My Ladies,

Your Personal Madam

xoxoxoxoxoxox

The Chicken That Ruined My High

I'm sure that some of you enjoy the occassional drag of a "special" stoggie..... As I used to when I was younger. Quite frankly I would like to say that some of the best life's material happens to us when there has or had been the use of marijuana.

One of my most memorable experiences began with a simple and relatively harmless phone call inviting me to a party in Flint. The playoffs were on t.v. and a gentleman that I had been secretly admiring had called to invite me to the party. The party took place at, I think it was a motel 6, or something like that. It was a one level motel. There were 3 rooms that were rented and all the rooms had open doors upon my arrival. The parking lot was packed, as I should have expected. The gentleman suitor met me in the parking lot and walked me in..... I should have brought a gal pal, because I didn't know a single person and I was the only white person that happened upon the festivities, which instantaniously brought upon animocity from the ladies of the party... "who invited the white girl" .... "who the fuck does she think she is" me being me... didn't give a fuck....

The rooms were FILLED with people. There were blunts upon blunts being passed around, thankfully the guys at this party weren't as stuffy as the ladies, and very kindly shared their kush. About an hour and a half into the event (lack of a better word) I decided that it was probably a good idea to take my high ass home. Mind you.... THREE ROOMS...... BLUNTS UPON BLUNTS being passed around and me not declining an offer for a hit not one single time.....

I gathered what I had left of my thoughts, rummaged through my purse to find the keys to my mother's truck (god she is going to be pissed) got in, gave myself 10-15 to prepare myself for my high apple pie adventure home.

Travelling along I-75, at the posted speed because I had cruise control or I probably would have been Speedy Gonzales one minute and slow waaaaaaaaaaaaay down the next (you know how you drive when you are stoned) It's late at night, so thankfully I am the ONLY one on the highway or it would have been bad news bears. I mean I was so high I wasn't sure if I was travelling the right way home.... The lines in the road looked to have risen up and were 4 ft tall..... I felt so heavy that I felt like I was pushing the car 70 miles an hour. It's a god send that no one was hurt...... Travelling along with all four windows down, you know it was cold out and it will help to keep you awake during the drive LOL music as high as it can possibly go.....

AND OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE........ There it was..... THE BIGGEST FUCKING RED CHICKEN I HAD EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right there in the middle of the highway.... Not moving. No that bastard was determined to ruin my night. It was so large that it took up all 3 lanes of the highway. So what did I do, you're wondering I'm sure. I stopped. I stopped right there in the middle of the highway. Now we have to remember I was high. So what was my first concern? How was I going to get around this mother fucker.... i was never going to get home because it was never going to move! FUCK MY LIFE. Then BAM, stroke of genius.... I slowly drove around it.... Driving away I took a sigh of relief. Like PHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW that was a close call. I wonder what the other cars are going to do when they happen upon it.

Needless to say I made it home, slept 16 hours and vowed never to tell a soul because once I had sobered up realized that I was a fuckin idiot.... well cats out of the bag.... or in this case the chicken...... 

That fuckin Chicken RUINED My High

Praying to never have another chicken stand off,

Your Personal Madam
xoxo

Key Signs You Shouldn't Be Dating That Nikka

Ladies, it's in our nature to keep pushing through the hard times... But if there are clear signs that are hypothetically screaming at you, to run forest mother fuckin run.... And you are staying, then you have a problem and I do believe that it is your families responsibility to step in. No dick is so good that you can't move onto the next....

How can I be sure that I am in a relationship that I need to keep it moving you may be asking...... No worries, I got this, I will be more than happy to give you a list..... If there are 5 or more that you can identify with, RUN BITCH RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Key Signs to look for:

-He lives still lives with his mom.... And she is sort of a cock block
-His Mom is going to be really pissed off that you are white
-He doesn't invite you to do anything.... This typically means that you are an embarassment to him...
-You have been dating for several months and he ist still using the excuse that he just isn't ready....
-Your better than him AND he knows it
-He genuinely doesn't believe he is good enough for you, and YOU AGREE WITH HIM
-Right now that lil dick is getting the job done, FOR NOW, but know he better get to spicing shit up
-He would rather go to the gym and sweat it out with a bunch of his boys, than hang out with you
-He is car-less
-He is jobless
-He still sleeps in until 2:00 in the afternoon.....
-You two have absolutely nothing to talk about so you have sex to conitnue feeling a connection with him
- When he calls you, you roll your eyes and make a noise like DO I REALLY HAVE TO ANSWER OR CAN I COME UP WITH A BELIEVABLE EXCUSE
- He texts you the same 4 messages everyday
- You know that you are smarter than he is
- You know a lot about him, but he knows nothing about you
- You haven't been able to catch him, but you're pretty certain he still has a "blankey"
- You thought you were having a conversation with him about his day until you realized that he has his head phones on and is playing the game talking to SugernSpice113 through the gaming station
- You can't wait until your on your period
- After your period you are really praying for a yeast infection
- You're hoping that the yeast infection turns into a UTI so that you have a solid few weeks that you don't HAVE to have sex with him
- The way he chews his food grosses you out
- You offer your first born as a sacrifice to the under Lord for him to find someone else to mooch off of
- Every morning that you wake up to go to work you try to be a super ninja not to wake his lazy ass up so that you don't have to kiss him goodbye or give him any morning sex because you would rather swallow razor blades

If you are only hanging out because it's a comfort..... Just remember if you fuck someone else at least it will be adventurous....


Educating the Masses

Your Personal Madam

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Girls Take Shits Too

Yup, I'm going there. Guys typically don't want to talk about it and girls typically will deny it. But GIRLS TAKE SHITS TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean let's get real here for a minute. You and your girl go out to eat at a Chinese restraunt and you have to run to the bathroom right after your wonton soup and you don't think she is going to have bubble guts too? Just because she doesn't do it when you are home, or fart in front of you doesn't mean that she doesn't get her stank on too.

I just had this conversation today. I am a regular gal. I gotta take a shit everyday. If not, I will begin to panic and think that there is something wrong. I didn't go for 2 days and began to think that I was going to have to take myself to the hospital because the plumbing was going to get backed up.... But then about 6:45 victory was mine. I gave birth to a 5 lb 4 oz toilet baby.... Some of the best work I have ever produced in the office.

There isn't anything wrong with it and I don't quite understand why it's so hush hush. Woman don't just have assholes for guys to try to stick shit in..... They aren't there as decorative design. Just like men, it's there for performance.

Ladies, let's be honest with the world and ourselves here.... Sometimes you release shits of severity that you want to take a picture of and post on facebook just to say "BOOYA, I did that, what's up bro?!"

It's okay to come to terms with the fact that we dump.... doo doo.... shit.... blow it up... however you wanna label it. We do it. Just because men know we are perfect doesn't mean that we were born with the ability to expell what our bodies have taken in with out shitting.

The next time ladies, you decide to drop a log upon the porceline tidle wave, tell your man something super unsexy. Like "I have to go give birth to a toilet baby" or "Don't wait to start the movie for me babe, I gotta go drop the kids off at the pool and it's gonna be a while". Then take a picture of their face!!!!!!!!


Keeping the sewer company in service,

Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxox

Smile baby, it's already a dreadful world.

There are difficult situations in which we all must overcome. The people in my life, are drawn to me when life gets difficult because I've persevered tribulations that most at 27 haven't encountered and can assure them that this isn't life ending, just altering. Sure, some days I'd rather just be to myself to process my thoughts, and think out my next move. But, I refuse, to allow those circumstances keep me down. I stop. Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror and say out loud "Smile baby, it's already a dreadful world."

The way I see it is that you have two choices. Either you can dwell on the bullshit served to you on a silver platter by Bruce Wayne's butler, Alfred Pennyworth. Or, you can decide to take it as an opportunity to further your greatness. The ability to overcome the greatest of obstacles will enhance your confidence.

There isn't any bridge that you will approach that someone before you hasn't already crossed. Stop feeling bad for yourself.

The "whoa as me" has become tired.... Try something new. I've heard several times in my life, "you're the strongest woman I know" and honestly, other than someone telling me that I am the funniest person they know, that is the ultimate compliment.

When you stumble upon a temporary moment in life, that you aren't sure that you can surpass, stop and think to yourself...... FUCK YOU!!!!!! I got this, I'm the only one with the control over what happens in my life. Situations, you don't always have control over. However, you have control over the decision that you will arrive to on how to handle the situations that you have been given.

There isn't anything so troublesome that you aren't mentally capable of bitch slapping. There isn't anything that owns you. There isn't anyone who decides your destiny. The next time life gets you down.....

SMILE BABY, IT'S ALREADY A DREADFUL WORLD

Always remember, you got this......

Forever encouraging

Forever strong

Forever yours

<3 Your Personal Madam

xoxoxoxo

Under the Influence of Sex

Do you ever wonder why you make the decisions that you make after having a nearly epic sexual love affair? I say that these decisions were made because you were under the influence of sex.

Decisions under the influence of sex you may be asking me.... Not sure that you have experienced one of more of these situations? Allow me to paint you a verbal picture of some of the ENDLESS situations that you may find yourself buried in after being under the influence of sex.

OMG WHO IS LAYING IN MY BED

Yuuup.... This would find classification beneath "Under the Influence of Sex". You wake from what you remember, an exciting, eventful, enchanting evening out. You danced to "Teach Me How to Dougie" like you were fucking Dougie himself, you drank enough Grey Goose that you were certain that you laid golden fuckin eggs. You laughed so hard the entire night that you were worried that your anti aging cream wasn't going to prevent the smile line crevices from forming. You wipe away the sleepies from your eyes, strrrrrrrrrrrretch your body long and hard while yawning. Release a deep sigh. And then as if you were being mocked, your sheets begin to move, there is a stretch next to you and a yawn. Okay, now a slight amount of panic has began to consume you.... And you hear "Good morning beautiful" There is a moment where your heart skips a beat and you think "FUCK ME, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME" This poor decision making, wasn't because you were drunk and couldn't help yourself. You had the hottest man rubbing on your body as if he was a professional lotion applier and your mind began running with sex filled images, you thought it was because you were under the influence of alcohol???? DUMB ASS, you were definitely under the influence.... OF SEX!

I LOVE YOU

You've been dating for a while, really into him? Not quite sure if you really love him though right? I mean we have all been there, don't feel judged, it's just and observation. One night you are snuggled up... cakin. One thing leads to another and all the sudden you're Jane and he is Tarzan, sex is outrageous..... He's picking you up and spinning you around like you are 17 yrs old and on the cheer team again. Whispering sweet.... nasty.... X rated nothings to each other and then.... "I love you" slips out of your lips like "Fuck you dirty hoe bag" flies out of an individual with turrets at church. I'm sorry this has happened. You weren't ready. But you were under the influence of sex.... It's gets the best of us sometimes.

E.P.T

Clean Sheets - CHECK
Lit Candle - CHECK
Sex Toys - CHECK
Lube - Check
Contraceptives - Oops

So you felt extra adventurous... You thought tonight was going to be monumental. You had everything needed for an excursion he wasn't quite prepared for........ Accept you were under the influence of sex and forgot contraceptives..... Now you're sending him to the store to get an E.P.T...... At first you feel a little throw up and maybe even diarrhea. Sometimes being under the influence of sex sends you surprises long after the influence has worn off.

Once in a while being under the influence of sex will send you into orgasms unmeasurable. And then again.... sometimes it will leave you with less than happy experiences.....

Thoughtfully,
Your Personal Madam
xoxoxoxox

You are who you are.... OWN IT

I am thoroughly over extra fakes. You are who the fuck you are..... OWN IT ALREADY! I mean seriously. The fakeness has taken an all new low.

If you're a hoe. Be the best hoe you can be. The only time that you should be concerned about your permiscuity is right before you go to the Dr. to ensure that you free and clear to continue hoeing.

If you are a bitch, ensure that you are the biggest cunt out. Don't let someone out bitch you. Don't pretend to be nice to gain a vast audience, just be a bitch, some people like that shit.

If you're the nice one. Don't be mean so that people don't walk all over you. You're the nice one for a reason, normally you're friends with the bitch, let her handle less than favorable assholes.

What i am trying to say is be who you are no matter where you are.... Don't change because one person would find you more attractive or "better" if you were to change. The character flaw is within themselves. If they want you to stop being a hoe, they probably aren't good in bed. If they don't want you to be a bitch, they probably don't have a spine to handle your bullshit. If they think that you are too nice, it's probably because they are a dick and are tired of looking like the bad guy for treating you like shit.

All in all, each of us hold the traits neccessary for survival. Before you think, "I need to change something about myself".... Think, "I made it this far in life because I'm awesome and because I am the...... "

In life we stumble upon several different kinds of people. It's within those individuals that we learn that who we are makes us unique.... Makes us individuals.

The next time I meet someone that tries to fake who they are, I'm going to smack them in the goddamn face.... because I am "The Bitch" and that's what we do..... My friend "The Nice One" will make you feel better about the situation afterwards.


Encouraging you to be you.

xoxoxox

Your Personal Madam

Swallowing your pride is like swallowing a spoon full of Cinnamon

We all know I am a prideful person. Admits when she is wrong, certainly, but does it while trying to choke down vomit. I compare swallowing your pride to trying to swallow a spoonful of Cinnamon.... It's not impossible but it's painful and can end up humiliating.

Point blank period... I FUCKING HATE IT. I would rather find out that I had a warrant for my arrest than have to swallow my pride. I would rather find out that someone had been secretly video taping me taking shits in the work bathroom than swallow my pride. I would rather come home to find that there was a robbery, but the only thing they took was my shoe collection than swallow my pride.

I'm a stubborn Irish prick.... everyone knows it. It's 100% my way or no way. "You don't like the way I drive, get the fuck out the car and walk" kind of girl.... When is it okay to tell yourself, you're being a fuckin idiot....

Sometimes in life you have to learn to let go. A personal struggle of mine which I am currently attempting to learn how to do. However I expect greater things from my viewers that I am able to do myself. Hypocrite you may be saying. Sure. That's accurate in all respects. Although, if I didn't expect greater things from you and encourage your growth then really, what the fuck is this blog site for?

You come here to read, hopefully learn a little something and laugh your mother fucking ass off occasionally. If not, stop coming to the site, you're wasting your time.

Recently I made a decision based off of only my wants and jeopardized a relationship. It was selfish. I began the 3 day rule. I was doing great too. UNTIL, he text me to tell me that he missed me. Now normally I would have been an asshole because that's my nature. I would have either ignored it, or I would have told him to fuck himself. This time was different. I told him I missed him too. Now this was on day 2 if he would have waited until day 3 there wouldn't have been hope for him. However he swallowed his pride as a man, which I am sure was like swallowing a spoon full of Cinnamon for him. If he hadn't though, he would have been a memory. I wouldn't have been able to set my own needs aside for one moment and think of someone else.


Victorious because I was able to hypothetically swallow a spoon full of cinnamon. Teaching lessons through my blog is making me learn from new experiences as well.

Love your forever growing,

Personal Madam
xoxoxoxox